Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Shamelessly lifted from Gauradian commens section:

... As the groceries arrived, I shouted through the letter box,

"Thanks for the groceries. Just leave them on the doorstep."

My wife still demanded to be let in though ...
 
Deep in lockdown land, I was sat in my armchair this morning, flicking through the TV channels when the wife shouted downstairs:

"OMG, do you ever get, like, severe shooting pains in your stomach, as if someone's sticking a pin in a voodoo doll of you?

"No", I replied.

"How about....NOW?"
 
What do you call a bloke with a car on his head?
Jack 🤔😔

What do you called a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff 😔

I use to tell those type of dad jokes to the kids growing up, they never laughed mind
 
I went to my Dad and said Ive joined the Infantry, what do you think of my cammo kit.
He went: " Who said that!":rolleyes:
 
Whilst a long joke, i just remembered this one of old.....

“I want to kill my wife”, says one mate to another. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a gadge at the dart board. “Arti over there is a top hitman allegedly” So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?, he asks tentatively. “Sure am”, says Arti. “You couldn’t murder my wife for me, could you, i aint rich though?” asks the man.

“I can”, replies Arti, “And it is your lucky day, I promised my mentor who taught me the skills of assassination, that I would do my one hundredth kill for a fee of just a quid, and give the client two further kills thrown if they wanted”.

“That's Great”, says the bloke ”could you kill my wife, and then her sister plus my mother-in-law too”. “Go on then”, replies Arti. “But, its down to you to get them to go to Asda tomorrow at noon precisely, or the deals off”. “ok, will do”, says the man. The following day the man’s wife, her sister and his mother-in-law are tricked to go to Asda’s at noon.

In walks Arti and in no time at all, he strangles the mans wife, her sister and, his mother-in-law in the far aisle, but cctv was not fully sabotaged and Arti was arrested soon afterwards. Next day, incredibly, all the tabloids lead with the same headline......

'Arti chokes three for a pound in Asda'
 
Last edited:
coluka said:
Whilst a long joke, i just remembered this one of old.....

“I want to kill my wife”, says one mate to another. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a gadge at the dart board. “Arti over there is a top hitman allegedly” So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?, he asks tentatively. “Sure am”, says Arti. “You couldn’t murder my wife for me, could you, i aint rich though?” asks the man.

“I can”, replies Arti, “And it is your lucky day, I promised my mentor who taught me the skills of assassination, that I would do my one hundredth kill for a fee of just a quid, and give the client two further kills thrown if they wanted”.

“That's Great”, says the bloke ”could you kill my wife, and then her sister plus my mother-in-law too”. “Go on then”, replies Arti. “But, its down to you to get them to go to Asda tomorrow at noon precisely, or the deals off”. “ok, will do”, says the man. The following day the man’s wife, her sister and his mother-in-law are tricked to go to Asda’s at noon.

In walks Arti and in no time at all, he strangles the mans wife, her sister and, his mother-in-law in the far isle, but cctv was not fully sabotaged and Arti was arrested soon afterwards. Next day, incredibly, all the tabloids lead with the same headline......

'Arti chokes three for a pound in Asda'
Click to expand...
That is my all time favourite joke and all I could remember was the punchline, thank you very much!!!
 
I’m not saying my wife was disappointed to marry me but on our wedding day my invite was only for the night do.
 
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