Dad Jokes - all welcome!

r00fie1 said:
Duck goes into the chemist's shop.
'A tube of lipsol please.'
'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.'
'Put it on my bill, please.'
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My dad actually used to tell something similar - top marks for sticking to the brief !!!
 
a bloke says to his 11 year old during the lockdown, I need some time alone with your Mam in the bedroom to talk about some important stuff. If you go out and sit on the balcony you can have two Easter eggs and a can of coke. The boy goes out onto the balcony and his mum and dad have a quickie in the bedroom. The Dad re emerges and goes on to the balcony and asks the boy if he is ok. Yes says the lad but my friend Tommy’s mam and dad who live over the road have just had sex he calmly says . Could you see them doing it says the Dad in horror. No says the boy, but Tommy has been sat on the balcony with Easter Eggs and coke.
 
An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back home in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.

Because he was so impressed, man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
 
Cardiffdaffs said:
An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back home in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.

Because he was so impressed, man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
Click to expand...
best one yet!
 
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