Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

When he was a soldier my grandad survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's was a seasoned veteran.

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

When he was a soldier my grandad survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's was a seasoned veteran.

My other grandad used to go on about how, in the old days, you could leave you back door open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

My wife told me I was immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

 

[Konrad_the_Barbarian]

Women only call me ugly until they know how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

 

[r00fie1]

What do you call a donkey with three legs?



Wonkey

 

[Duffman]

 

[Holgatewall]

I was on a building site the other day and a fella was going around threatening everyone he met.

I asked who he was and they told me...

... 'he's the rough painter'.

 

[ThePrisoner]

Heard my neighbours having a row over whether or not it was a good idea to inject bleach to cure coronavirus. It got a bit heated so I phoned the police to report a domestos disturbance.

 

[Erimus74]

Boy raises his arm above his head.
"Dad, it really hurts when I do this"
"Well dont do it!" says Dad.

 

[The_Unicorn]

Not a dad joke but made me laugh this morning

Toilet Humour

 

[r00fie1]

Man sees another man allowing his dog to schitt on his drive.
Come here mate and Il rub your nose in it!
Cheers pal, it`l save me picking it up!

 

[Evil]

What did Jay-Z call his wife before he married her?


Feyoncé

That's absolutely ruined me

 

[Blf]

My wife said she was going to leave me because I was obsessed with the Monkeys.
I thought she was joking

Then I saw her face,,

 

[Soutra]

A man was driving along in his car when his boss rang up, and said 'You've been promoted.' And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again to director.' He was surprised so he nearly swerved off the road. His boss rang up a third time and said 'I've resigned so you're managing director.' He swerved and went right off the road. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And he said 'I careered off the road'.

 

[Liamo]

I just ran into this guy that I thought I remembered from the inventors convention. So I said to him, "Didn't you invent Tipp-ex? Correct me if I'm wrong."

 

[coluka]

I went to see that new Jurassic World film last night, It flopped unfortunately. It‘s called A Reptile Dysfunction.

 

[Corco65]

I went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked the assistant what gets rid of Coronavirus.

She said ammonia cleaner.

I said sorry I thought you worked here.

 

[Holgatewall]

The dogs trust has gone bust.

The official retriever has been called in.

 

[Erimus11]

If you don't want to know the result of today's world staring contest ......look away now

 

[Borobuddah]

I was up in the loft yesterday, covered in cobwebs, dusty, filthy dirty.

But she’s very good with the kids