Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[Corco65]

A female friend told me she has started using steriods during lockdown and that they have made her grow chest hair. I said Anabolic, she said no just the chest hair.

 

[r00fie1]

Two hippos in the bath:
Wares the soap?
It does doesnt it!

 

[swordtrombonefish]

I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group

So I came in my pants

(Maybe not a dad joke)

 

[r00fie1]

I used to work in a dentist’s. It wasn’t a permanent job - I was just filling in.

 

[r00fie1]

On the parade square:
The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."

 

[r00fie1]

"OK Private, stand aside the QM`s Stores", says the Sergeant.
2 hrs later - the Sergeant walks by and sees the Private.
"Stand to attention! What do you think you`re doing?"
Private Soldier replies: "Corporal Atkins told me to ask Staff if I could have a long wait".

 

[r00fie1]

W.O.2 gets a desk job in a Recruiting Office.
Tired of asking the same old questions he decides to try a few of his own:

1st recruit: right young man, whats the first thing that comes into your head?
I`ve no idea sir
Right! You`l do well in Military Intelligence.

2nd recruit: whats the first thing that comes into your head?
A bloody mess sir.
You`l do well as a slop jocky in the Catering Corps.

3rd recruit: Whats the first and last thing on your mind?
Sex and beer Sir.
Your an Infanteer.
Sign here please.

 

[TheBoroBuzzard]

Paddy and Mick are talking, and Mick says ”I see 3 cliff walkers fell to the death at Moher beach today”. Paddy says “Wow, what a coincidence they all had the same name”

 

[TheBoroBuzzard]

Paddy went to the Doc’s today. and said “do you treat alcoholics”, The Dr replied, “of course we do“, Paddy said “great get your coat on, I’m feckin skint”

 

[TheBoroBuzzard]

Paddy drags a huge box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. ‘
“Where did you get this?“ asks the expert.
“It’s been in my loft for 40 years“ replies Paddy, ” I hope it’s some kind of a family heirloom“. “I see“ says the expert. “Tell me, do you have insurance?“
“No“ replies Paddy.“Are you saying you think I should get some?“. “Yeah“ replies the expert. “This is your water tank”

 

[NorthumberlandBoro]

I was up in the loft yesterday with the wife, covered in cobwebs, dusty, filthy dirty.

But she’s very good with the kids

 

[Holgatewall]

A goat walks into the bar and asks...

...do you let kids in.

 

[FatCat]

I used to work at a cats' home, but I had to jack it in.

They reduced meowers.

 

[TheBoroBuzzard]

when I was going to the operating theatre for my operation, the anesthesiologist said I can put you to sleep using gas or I can hit you with paddle....it was a ether/oar decision.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

How do yo turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put into a microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

 

[TheBoroBuzzard]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

 

[Holgatewall]

I used to be addicted to the hokey-cokey.



But I turned myself around.

What if the Hokey-Cokey really is what it's all about!

 

[Nash]

Colleen walks into the kitchen ' ma I tink I'm pregnant'. .. mam ' are ya sure it's yours '

 

[Holgatewall]

Fella goes to docs and says "I have a problem. I think I'm Tom Jones".

Doc says: "it's not unusual".

 

[Holgatewall]

Doc says to patient "whats your problem ".

Patient says: "I think I'm a labrador"

Doc says " get on the couch".

Patient says...

..."im not allowed on the couch"