The_Unicorn
Well-known member
Halloween special 
Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
VladKinder
Well-known member
This is the most scary Halloween pumpkin I've seen so far.
VladKinder
Well-known member
I went on Stars in their Eyes with my Mother's Brother who had lost both his legs and we sung Bridge Over Troubled Water.
We were Simon and Half Uncle.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
Walking with the Mrs today when I just had to take this photo.She went ballistic. Slapped me in the face and screamed, "Why did you take that picture!"
Well, I replied. "It's not every day you see a dog driving a car. "
Middlesbrough123
Well-known member
I was driving down the A19 the other week and saw this bloke about to undertake me . He pulled further forward and I saw a coffin in the back . It was the undertakers 
True story
True story
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
My pet mouse Elvis just died.
He was caught in a trap
He was caught in a trap
Middlesbrough123
Well-known member
A 5’ joiner i know jacked in last week for new job as contracts manager for tees valley joinery . I said thatl be the highest position youve been in without a booster cushion .
True story
True story
Millbrook
Well-known member
A little boy says to his dad “Daddy, when you were at work the other day, the doorbell rang and it was the Postman. And mummy let him in. And they went upstairs. And they took their clothes off. And they got in the bed. And the bed covers went up and down.. and…”
“Wait!” Says the dad. “I want you to tell me about this tonight while we're all having dinner” - I've suspected her for some time, he thinks. Now I'll get her. In front of the whole family. “And tell me as if its the first time you've said anything about it” he adds.
So at dinner that evening. The little boy begins “Daddy, when you went to work last week, the doorbell went. And it was the Postman. And…”
“Daddy doesn't want to hear your silly stories, eat your dinner” says the Mum.
“No, go on” says the dad “this sounds very interesting”
“And mummy let him in. And they went upstairs….”
“Now eat up, Daddy is too busy for your gossip”
“No! Go on!” Says the Dad “ this sounds *very* interesting”.
“And they took all their clothes off…”
Mum by now is bright red. “Eat up, Daddy doesn't want….”
“No, go on! This I want to hear. In *full* detail”
“And they got in the bed. And the bed covers went up and down.”
Daddy looks at Mummy - he's absolutely seething…. She's perplexed.
“Just like what you did with Aunty Mary when mummy went on holiday!”
“Wait!” Says the dad. “I want you to tell me about this tonight while we're all having dinner” - I've suspected her for some time, he thinks. Now I'll get her. In front of the whole family. “And tell me as if its the first time you've said anything about it” he adds.
So at dinner that evening. The little boy begins “Daddy, when you went to work last week, the doorbell went. And it was the Postman. And…”
“Daddy doesn't want to hear your silly stories, eat your dinner” says the Mum.
“No, go on” says the dad “this sounds very interesting”
“And mummy let him in. And they went upstairs….”
“Now eat up, Daddy is too busy for your gossip”
“No! Go on!” Says the Dad “ this sounds *very* interesting”.
“And they took all their clothes off…”
Mum by now is bright red. “Eat up, Daddy doesn't want….”
“No, go on! This I want to hear. In *full* detail”
“And they got in the bed. And the bed covers went up and down.”
Daddy looks at Mummy - he's absolutely seething…. She's perplexed.
“Just like what you did with Aunty Mary when mummy went on holiday!”
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
She said ‘I’m feeling fat, tell me something that will give me a lift’
Apparently fork lift truck wasn’t the right answer.
Apparently fork lift truck wasn’t the right answer.
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Millbrook
Well-known member
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty.
As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
They say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea.
Does that mean one person enjoyed it !
Does that mean one person enjoyed it !
Millbrook
Well-known member
At about the time that hot air blowers were appearing in toilets, I lived in Germany, and worked with a guy called Hans Dreyer. I wasn't the only English speaker in the firm, and of course we chuckled about it.
Hans got wind that we were laughing about his name, but didn't know why, but he thought his dignity would be restored if a more formal tone was established.
“From now on you are not to call me by my first name” he said. “ I wish to be known as Herr. Herr Dreyer”.
Hans got wind that we were laughing about his name, but didn't know why, but he thought his dignity would be restored if a more formal tone was established.
“From now on you are not to call me by my first name” he said. “ I wish to be known as Herr. Herr Dreyer”.