Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A man was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art fashion night and spotted an elderly woman, very thin and wearing a ginormous diamond pendant around her neck. The man was so intrigued with the gem that he walked over to the elderly woman and complimented her on her beautiful possession:

“Excuse me, madam,” he said, “That is the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen.” The woman replied: “Thank you! It’s the Kolpman Diamond. But it comes with a curse!” The man is intrigued and asks, “A curse? What is the curse?” She replied, “Mr. Klopman.”
 
Two men are at the first tee on a golf course. The first takes out his golf ball and says “Slazenger”. The second man takes out his ball and says “Bleeper Two”. The first man says “I never heard of that before”. The second man says “It’s fantastic. If you hit it into the trees it automatically bleeps loudly so it’s easy to find.

And if you hit it into the lake it has a little flotation collar and paddles that bring it back to the shore. And if it’s foggy there’s a little blue light that flashes so you can’t lose it” The second man says “That’s amazing! Where did you get it?” The first man says “I found it”.
 
Tarzan comes home to Jane after a hard day’s work in the woods. He asks for a martini. Jane gives him one, he quickly slugs it down. He asks for another so she gives him a second. Then he demands a third. Jane mixes it for him, but then says, “Don’t you think you’ve had enough, Tarzan?”

Tarzan grabs the third drink, swallows it, and says, “You don’t understand, Jane. It’s a jungle out there.”
 
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Bernard ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,

'Darling, does your pr*ck still throb?'

….and you, Bernard, did not spill one drop of coffee?

That, Bernard, is complete composure, or aplomb."
 
Two Geordies have locked themselves out of their car with the keys inside.

"how about we use a coat hanger to open the lock?"

"nah, you idiot. Does it look like I have a coat hanger on me?"

"well how about we smash a window with a brick then?"

"are you joking, do you know how much that'd cost to repair?"

"well we'll have to think of something quick. It's starting to rain and we've left the sunroof open".
 
Judge: "This is a very brutal act. If you want the court to reduce your sentence, you'll need to explain the motive behind your action."

Man: "She’s so dumb that I just had to kill her."

Judge: "What you're saying isn't helping your case at all. If you don’t want the jury to condemn you right away, you should offer at least one mitigating explanation."

The man starts talking: "It happened like this. We live in an apartment building. On the first floor, there’s a family with three kids. The problem is that their kids are naturally small—between 80 and 90 cm tall. One day, I came home, and my wife said, 'Something’s wrong with our neighbors. Their kids are real Pyrenees.'

I said, 'No, you mean Pygmies.'

I said, 'That’s pigment.'

'No,' she said, 'pigment is what the ancient Romans wrote on.'

I said, 'That’s parchment!'

'No,' she said, 'parchment is when a poet starts something but doesn’t finish it...'

'Your Honor, you have to appreciate that I held back from mentioning the word fragment. I sat down in my chair and started reading the newspaper. Then she came up to me and said something that made me realize she belonged in a mental institution.'

She said, 'Honey, look at this!'

She opened a book, pointed to a passage, and said: 'The parasol of the handbag was the teacher of the pimp 15.'

I took the book and calmly explained, 'But darling, this is a French book. It says: La Marquise de Pompadour est la Maitresse de Louis XV, which means: "The Marquise de Pompadour was the mistress of Louis XV."'

'No,' my wife insisted, 'you have to translate it word for word: La Marquise = parasol, Pompadour = handbag, la Maitresse = teacher, Louis XV = pimp 15. And I should know; I hired an excellent legionnaire to teach me French.'

I said, 'You mean a lector.'

'No,' she said, ' Lector was an ancient Greek hero.'

'No,' she said, 'a hectare is a drink of the gods.'

I said, 'That’s nectar!'

'No,' she said, 'Nectar is a river in southern Germany.'

I said, 'That’s the Neckar!'

Then my wife said, 'You remember that lovely song about the Rhine and the Nectar that we sang as a duo recently?'

I said, 'That’s called a duet.'

'No,' she said, 'a duet is when two men fight with swords.'

I said, 'That’s a duel!'

'No,' she said, 'a duel is a hole in a hill where trains go through.'

'And at that point, Your Honor, I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed a hammer and beat her to death.'

There was a moment of silence. Then the judge stood up and declared the verdict:

'Acquitted! I would have killed her at Hector.'"
 
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Benny wakes up late for work; he’s had problems with the boss lately and this won’t help. Throwing himself together, into the car and on his way. Anxious to the level of distraction, he failed to notice the rabbit in the road and ran right over. Despite his tardy status his compassion for animals requires he tend to this matter. Standing over the mess, he’s overtaken with responsibility and a wave of nausea. A guy on a bicycle stops, ”Hey mate, what’s your worry?”

“I was rushing to work and in my haste I killed this innocent creature! I feel awful!, and would like to get it off the road.”

“Well, as luck would have it, I ’ve got just the fix!” The bike has panniers and he extracts a can. Walks to the rabbit and begins spraying it. Benny’s thinking, this isn’t right, moves to tell him so; but the rabbit springs up and bolts across the road, turns and waves. The rabbit traverses a field in the same manner; scamper a bit, turn and wave, scamper and wave, all across ’til out of sight.

Benny, amazed and relieved, ”What the heck is that?”

Bicyclist smiles and replies, ”Hair restorer, with a permanent wave!”
 
Whenever you’re feeling insignificant and powerless remember one thing………

A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant 😂
 
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