Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
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ThePrisoner
Well-known member
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
A man sees a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener.
The man says “you don’t need a tin opener for a banana “
The monkey says “ the tin opener’s for the custard you daft get”
Dunno why but that tickled me.
The man says “you don’t need a tin opener for a banana “
The monkey says “ the tin opener’s for the custard you daft get”
Dunno why but that tickled me.
asredastheycome
Well-known member
Millbrook
Well-known member
When Bill Gates dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter escorts to a nice studio apartment in a nice part of town. Out walking one day, he meets a distinguished looking gentleman with a magnificent white beard. They get along so well that the gentleman suggests they both go to his place for tea.
Bill is awestruck. The place is a palace, with beautiful, manicured gardens and elegant statuary. The tea comes in perfectly translucent bone china cups and tastes, well, Heavenly.
“Who are you to rate such a place?” Bill asks tentatively.
“I am Captain Edward Smith.” his host replies.
“Of the RMS Titanic?”
“Yes, the very same.”
Bill heads off to see St. Peter. “Look, St. Peter, I know that no matter how well I’ve led my life and tried to do good deeds, that I could have done better. But really — Captain Smith….”
St. Peter looks up from his computer screen. “Yes, yes, I know, Captain Smith of the Titanic.”
St. Peter puts his hands on the edge of his heavenly computer desk and stares down at Bill Gates.
“Look, buddy. We run Windows up here. He only crashed once!
Bill is awestruck. The place is a palace, with beautiful, manicured gardens and elegant statuary. The tea comes in perfectly translucent bone china cups and tastes, well, Heavenly.
“Who are you to rate such a place?” Bill asks tentatively.
“I am Captain Edward Smith.” his host replies.
“Of the RMS Titanic?”
“Yes, the very same.”
Bill heads off to see St. Peter. “Look, St. Peter, I know that no matter how well I’ve led my life and tried to do good deeds, that I could have done better. But really — Captain Smith….”
St. Peter looks up from his computer screen. “Yes, yes, I know, Captain Smith of the Titanic.”
St. Peter puts his hands on the edge of his heavenly computer desk and stares down at Bill Gates.
“Look, buddy. We run Windows up here. He only crashed once!
VladKinder
Well-known member
Got sacked from my job at a travelling circus this week.
I'm taking them to court for Funfair dismissal.
I'm taking them to court for Funfair dismissal.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
I joined a class for carpenters, the wife asked if I’d made anything yet, I said no - I’ve only just begun.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Here’s a question for all you mind readers out there
VladKinder
Well-known member
What if Cher married Mark Noble?
Imagine the fall out.
Imagine the fall out.
The_Unicorn
Well-known member
Read the lower right text 
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
“Incontinence hotline, please hold……….”
Doom_On_Horseback
Well-known member
My girlfriend told me today she wanted to put something in condoms to give her an extra stimulus during sex…
Oh, I said…what’s that?
…Other men’s c**ks!
Oh, I said…what’s that?
…Other men’s c**ks!
Norfolkred1
Well-known member
Wife rang me today saying she had seen a fox on the way to work
I said how did you know he was going to work
She hung up on me....
I said how did you know he was going to work
She hung up on me....
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
But cats can.
But cats can.