Dad Jokes - all welcome!

After the birth of several children in quick succession a couple was sent on a short birth control course.

Pregnant yet again they revisit the doctor. Have you been using the condoms you were given? Yes Dr, before we get in bed she gets it out of the packet, pinches the end and rolls it on just like they showed us. Then we make love.

And next morning? He gets out of bed, takes it off, ties a knot in it and throws it away just like we were shown.

Well that all seems OK but you're still getting pregnant. Is there anything you haven’t told me.

It gets difficult to put on by the end of the week when it's gone soft and black.

What has gone soft and black? gasps the horrified doctor.

It's alright Dr, we just throw it away and get another banana.
 
In the WWII prison camp, the German Commandant thought up a new way to mistreat the prisoners. Monday at 6 a.m., the guards woke the men up and marched them out into the courtyard.

They made the men stand in rows and told them that, all day, from the chilly morning through the sweltering hot afternoon, they were to lean to the left, and then to the right, like pendulums, and repeat “Tick, tock, tick, tock.” The men groaned but began their tiresome routine.

At around 11 a.m., one of the guards noticed there was a prisoner who was doing it wrong. He kept leaning, but only to the left, and repeating, “Tick, tick, tick, tick …”

He was reported to the Commandant who approached him menacingly, cigarette-holder in hand, and hissed, “Ve half vays off making you tock.”
 
A man walks into a small curio shop in a backwater country, looking for interesting or unusual artifacts. He sees a bronze statue of a rat that catches his eye – it is oddly attractive, considering what it represents.

The man asks the shopkeeper how much he wants for the bronze rat and the shopkeeper said he could have it for ten dollars, or for a hundred dollars if he wanted the story that goes with it. The man gives the shopkeeper ten dollars and tells him that he can keep the story.

As the man walks down the street with his purchase, he hears a rustling behind him and turns to see a couple of rats following him. He picks up his pace and the rats do too, but now there are four of them. Soon he is running as fast as he can run and there are hundreds of rats gaining on him. About then he comes to a canal and clamors up a telegraph pole, tossing the bronze rat into the canal as he climbs the pole. To his amazement the rats follow the bronze rat into the canal and they all drown.

Somewhat shaken, the man makes his way back to the curio shop. The shopkeeper smiles when the man comes in and says “Now I suppose you want the story”.

The man says “No, I don’t care about the story – I just wanted to see if you happen to have a bronze statue of a lawyer…”
 
Two men, properly attired as British gentlemen, tapping their furled umbrellas on the pavement as they walked to their club, whilst happily exchanging news of the day with one another.

Walking toward them from the opposite direction are two white-gloved very curvy attractive ladies in smart attire with jaunty hats festooned with ribbons and feathers.

The gentlemen angle toward the edge of the pavement, allowing the ladies safe passage between them and the imposing facades of Lombard Street. As they pass, the men tip their hats, and the ladies reply with a coquettish smile and nod.

In a few moments, one of the gentlemen says to the other, “Jove, Harry! I believe we just passed my wife and my mistress!” To which Harry replied, You don’t mean it, James! I was thinking the same thing!”
 
Pak_Doo_Ik said:
Shamelessly stolen from Instagram but I can’t find it now to give the comedian the credir

Do you think when people go to see the band Placebo, they think they’re going to see The Cure
Click to expand...
I've seen that recently delivered by a comedian on TV, though I can't remember who, but I first heard it said by Katie Puckrick a couple of decades ago.
 
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