Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says, “You.”
 
Scientists removed the left half of a man’s brain and asked him to count to 10. He said, “2, 4, 6, 8, 10.”

Then they put it back, and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10. He said, “1, 3, 5, 7, 9.”

Finally they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10.

He said, “Oh I can count to 10. Believe me. I love numbers, I have the best numbers, lots of numbers. People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. My 4th grade math teacher, and let me tell you, she was the bestest math teacher in the whole country, no the world, you know the whole world, like the whole planet. So yes I can count to ten and if you ask me to count to 10, I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before.”
 
A bloke goes to a psychiatrist. He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”.

Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”.

Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”. Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.”

Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”.

Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”
 
While golfing a man accidentally overturned his golf cart.

A very attractive golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, thanks,” he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.

He noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now " she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive, and he was weak.

"Well okay," he finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."

After a couple of Scotch and waters, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

He replied, “Still under the cart, I guess,”
 
A woman went into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.

She didn’t know which one to get so she just grabbed one and brought it to the register.

There was a clerk standing there with dark shades on.

She said, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He replied, “Ma’am, I’m blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.”

The woman didn’t believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00."

“It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it,” the woman replied.

The clerk stepped behind the counter to the register and in the meantime the woman farted.

At first she was embarrassed but then realized that there was no way he could tell it was her. He wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rang up the sale and said, "That will be $25.50."

“But didn’t you say it was $20.00?" the woman cried.

“Yes ma’am,” said the clerk. “The rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00 and the catfish stink bait
is $2.50.”
 
A young man met a beautiful girl and persuaded her to spend the night with him for £500.

So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.

So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.

I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

  • 1) it had never been occupied
  • 2) that there was plenty of heat
  • 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

  1. Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
  2. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
  3. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
 
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