Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[VladKinder]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Dad did.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

 

[parmoboy]

Clairvoyants are either really miserable or really angry.

There is no happy medium.

 

[Ziggy]

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want.

GOOGLE: May I suggest this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetable pizza.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I don’t want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, X, Whats App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

 

[SmallTown]

Boy am I in trouble.

I convinced my girlfriend to stick my coke up her *rse so we could get it through airport security.

She was livid when she saw you could get another can in the shops at the other side

 

[davidmills]

I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words as well.

 

[dooderooni]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo.
One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

[JohnsonMFC]

Where does kylie Minogue like to go get her lunch?

Normally she heads over to Jasons Donner Van .......

 

[Lefty]

Police turned up at my friends house on Friday with his wife’s driving licence.

They asked him to confirm that this was his wife.

‘Yes’, he said, 'why…what’s wrong?'

The Policeman said ‘I’m sorry sir but it looks like she’s been hit by a bus’.

My mate said ‘I know, but she’s great with the kids’.

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

I Got in touch with my inner self today.

I’m never using cheap loo roll again.

 

[Laughing]

They're are 2 types of people in this world:

1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

 

[Liamo]

I was feeling a bit lonely so I started up a small business.


It's nice to have a little company.

 

[NorthumberlandBoro]

Just seen these advertised as wedding suits in a shop in Sunderland..

 

[Lefty]

My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

 

[Lefty]

I'm quite sore after last night's curry. I told my friend and he said 'ring sting?'.
Anyway, I called him. He wasn't remotely interested.

 

[johnsmithsno2]

Two cats are about to have a swimming race. One cat is called ‘One Two Three’ and the other is called ‘Un Deux Trois’.

Which cat won the race?

One Two Three of course.

Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Cease!

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

My wife caught me standing on the scales this morning sucking my stomach in.
She said “that won’t help!”
I said well I won’t see the numbers any other way

 

[Peppery_John]

A woman went to the Doctors complaining that she kept pulling postage stamps of Costa Rica out of her vagina. The Doctor had a look and said, "These are not postage stamps, they're banana stickers".

 

[dooderooni]

Courtesy of "3 Body Problem"

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

 

[Laughing]

Courtesy of "3 Body Problem"

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

I didn't get that when seeing it in the show. Seems obvious now.

 

[Unravel_Morrison]

I have always wondered what it would be like to be a Premier League goalkeeper so this season I'm imagining I'm the Spurs keeper.