Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Dave had been drinking in his local pub all day and most of the evening.

Mick the landlord says "Dave, I think you've had enough to drink so get yourself off home"

Dave very reluctantly agrees and then very slowly turns on his barstool, steps off, and falls flat on his face!!

"b***r" says Dave and pulls himself back upright using the barstool, takes a step towards the door, and falls flat on his face!!

Dave thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be ok so he belly crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, sticks his head outside and takes a a big breath of fresh air. He then takes a step outside onto the pavement and falls flat on his face!!

"Jesus" he says "I'm in deep ****"

Dave can see his house just a few doors down from the pub so he crawls along the pavement, pulls himself up the door frame. opens the door and manages to slide inside.

Dave looks at the stairs and says "No bloody way" so he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom and tells himself "I can make it to the bed"

Dave takes a step into the bedroom and falls flat on his face!!

"b***ks" he says and with his last remaining energy he crawls over to the bed, pulls himself upright, and collapses into bed.

The next morning Sue, his wife, comes into the bedroom with a cup of coffee for Dave and says to him "Did you have a lot to drink last night?"

Dave says "As a matter of fact I did. But how did you know?"

"Because" says Sue, "Mick phoned, you left your wheelchair at the pub!!"
 
A woman just said hello in Tesco
I said do I know you?
She said I think you may be the father of one of my children.

I said oh my god! Are you the stripper from the stag party I had over the pool table with all my mates watching and your mate wipping my ass with a wet cellery stick 😳😳

She said ‘no I’m your son’s teacher 😂😂😂
 
Alex got a new secretary and faced a volley of rapidfire questions from his wife, Ruth, who was always suspicious of her husband’s roving eye and came to the office that afternoon during lunch hour.

Ruth: Does your new secretary have nice legs?

Alex: Didn’t quite notice.

Ruth : What color are her eyes?

Alex: Haven’t had the time to check.

Ruth: What nail polish colors does she use – metallic, gel or neon?"

Alex: Not a clue in the world.

Ruth: Does she wear matte, glossy or frosted lipstick?

Alex: I barely spoke to her, so I don’t know.

Ruth: How does she dress?

Alex: Very quickly.
 
Man and a woman in a lift. He says ‘excuse me can I smell your vagina’. She says ‘no you can’t!’ He says ‘oh, it must be your feet then’. 😂😂😂
 
Bought a pet rabbit last week.

It eat the corner from my ham toastie on Sunday.
Eat a little bit of my cheese toastie on Monday.
Eat a little bit of my mince toastie yesterday.

I found it dead today.
Mixermytoasties.
 
Bought a pet rabbit last week.

It eat the corner from my ham toastie on Sunday.
Eat a little bit of my cheese toastie on Monday.
Eat a little bit of my mince toastie yesterday.

I found it dead today.
Mixermytoasties.
Had a similar problem last week when our pet rabbit died while the kids were at their grandparents.

Missus said, quick go and buy an identical one so the kids aren't upset when they get back, so went straight out and got one.

What am I going to do with two dead rabbits?
 
A vain rich woman contacted a well-known portrait artist and commissioned him to paint her portrait.

He told her his fee would be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000.

The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

“I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

“Not for $7,000 I don't,” he replied. “But I have to keep my socks on.
I need somewhere to put my brushes."
 
Sheep farmers discussing their technique for the upcoming shearing season & consensus is rear legs into their wellies gets the job done..

They ask Percy, as he approaches.. "what works best for you Percy? Trotters in your wellies & take em from behind?"

No, no no.. Percy replies.. I likes em on their backs... I can kiss em better that way.. 👍
 
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