Dad Jokes - all welcome!

An elderly couple, Kate and Bob, were relaxing on the couch one evening after dinner.

Bob leaned over, took Kate’s hand and said, “Honey, I’m sorry I’m so often short with you lately. How do you manage to stay so calm when I get in these moods?”

“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens,” answered his wife.

And that helps?” asked Bob.

“Yes," smiled Kate, "because I’m using your toothbrush.”
 
At the Royal Navy combined mess in Portsmouth England, 3 older servicemen were drinking at the bar...

The first raises his glass, a double Bushmill's Black Label, and announces "Brigadier General, 30 years serving Her Majesty - Married 35 years - 2 sons, Harley Street Surgeons" and quaffs his shot.

The second raises his glass, a double Glenfiddich 18yo, and announces "Brigadier General, 29 years serving Her Majesty - Married 34 years - 2 sons, Fleet Street Barristers" and quaffs his shot.

The third raises his glass, a pint of Samuel Smith's and announces "Sergeant Major, 35 years serving Her Majesty - Never married - 2 sons, Brigadier Generals"!
 
Two statues, a male and female, stood in Central Park for 50 yrs. One day a fairy came along and granted them 24 hrs to be human. POOF!! Off the dashed into the bushes!!!

There’s a lot of brush shacking and grunting and huffing!!! Six hours later the male comes out, ”Phew, I’m getting tired!” The female says, “Hey, we’ve only got 18 hrs, get back in here and handle business!”

So, off he goes again and there’s bushes shaking, dirt flying, huffing, puffing and screaming going on. 12 hrs later, the male comes crawling out, grabbing dirt and can no longer stand! “I, just can’t go anymore, you’re killing me!” The female says, “Look, be a man! We’ve only 6 hrs left and we’re back on that perch forever!”

The male, looks up at the perch looks back at the female, wipes his brow, looks up again, and back. Then he says, “Alright, but this time, I’LL hold the pigeons and YOU sh-t on them!”
 
An 87-year-old man walks into a sperm bank. The staff at the front desk asks him, “May we help you?”

He replies, “Yes, i’d lIke to make a donation.”

The staff person says, “Well, we have no age limits, so take this jar, go down to room four, and bring it back to the desk when you’re done.”

He’s gone for a long, long time, and the staff become worried about him. They go knock on the door to room four and ask, “Sir, are you having a problem?”

He replies, “Well, yes I am. I’ve tried my right hand, and I’ve tried my left hand, and I’ve beat it up against the wall, and I still can’t get the top off this jar.”
 
A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...
After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay. “It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”
“I accept, thanks! I had a very hectic day.” She answers.
He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking.

Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door. The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says: “My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”
 
An engineer, a doctor, a priest and a lawyer are playing golf when they get caught behind a particularly slow foursome. They see a groundskeeper, call him over, and ask what the hold up is.

The groundskeeper says, "Those are four fire fighters who were all blinded in a terrible blaze a few years ago. We let them play here as a courtesy."

The priest says, "Those poor guys! I'll pray for them at Mass this Sunday."

The doctor says, "I have a friend who's a respected eye surgeon. I'll ask him to look into their case."

The lawyer says, "I'll look into their settlement and make sure they got everything they deserve."

The engineer says, "Why can't they play at night?"
 
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.’
 
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