Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A man walked into a department store and said to a saleswoman, "I’d like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the woman asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, “A Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember!" said the saleswoman. “We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. most of our customers now l want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra or the Presbyterian type."

Confused as well as a little flustered, the man asked, "What are the differences?"

The saleswoman said, "It's all quite simple:
a Catholic bra supports the masses.

The Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen.

The Presbyterian bra keeps things staunching and upright

and the Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills."
 
Scientists have said that c*m makes your hair grow. Which explains my hairy knuckles.
Staring to wonder about granny’s moustache though 😳😂
 
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally, the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Eventually, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash of billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123," and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
 
Donald Trump was visiting a grade school.

In one class he was talking about the word ‘tragedy'. Then he asked them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raised her hand and said aid, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and everyone in it died that would be a tragedy."

"No," Trump responded. "You're close, but that isn't a tragedy. That is what we would call a great loss."

A few seconds later a boy raised his hand and said, "What about if my friend was at a farm and a farmer drove over him with a tractor? That would be a tragedy."

"No," Trump replied. "That is what we would call an accident, not a tragedy. Anyone else?"

The entire class with stumped for a few minutes. Then, finally, another boy raised his hand and said, "I know what a tragedy would be. If Donald Trump was flying in his private jet and got hit by a missile, that would definitely be a tragedy."

"Exactly!" Trump said, pleased. "Now, can you tell the class why, exactly, that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," the boy replied, “It definitely wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
 
I got home to find the wife gone and a note pinned to the wall saying

£50,000 if you want to see your wife again. Do not contact the police, we are determined, await a phone call.'

They weren't kidding they really do mean business. I've had 48 missed calls from them so far!
 
Bruce and Steve , 2 Australians ,flew to England for a working holiday .after applying for a few jobs and missing out they saw a job advertisement for a butler and chauffeur for an elderly titled lady.

“This is us “ Bruce says to Steve.” But we have no idea about those jobs” says Steve. “ leave it to me mate, replies Bruce, “ I’ll do all the talking “

So they go along to the interview and it all is going along brilliantly,as the interview is coming to an end ,The titled lady says “ well you young men seem to be perfect for the job all I need to see now is your testimonials.

As they are walking back down the driveway afterwards, Steve says to Bruce “ If you knew the difference between testimonials and testicles I think we might have got those jobs “
 
I had a job getting in the club tonight. A big guy stopped me at the door and said l couldn't come in without a tie.

That seemed ridiculous but l said l'll have a look in the car for one.

I looked in the glove box and under the front seat but no sign of a tie. As a last resort l looked in the boot but all l could see there was a pair of jumper leads.

I thought they'll be better than nothing so put them around my neck and tied them in a bit of a knot and went back to the door. The big guy was still there so l said, jumper leads, that's all l can find, l'm going in.

He said, alright mate, l'll let you in this time but l'm warning you, don't you start anything.
 
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
 
A guy walks into an Irish bar and there is only one other guy in the bar. He goes down and sits next to the guy. He orders a big beer. The other guy says, “I couldn’t help noticing by your accent you seem to be from Ireland.” The other guy says, “As a matter of fact I am. Let’s drink to Ireland.”

And they do and tell the bartender to set them up again. Then one asks, “Where are you from in Ireland?” The other says,”I’m from Dublin.” The other exclaimed, “That’s amazing! I’m from Dublin! Let’s drink to Dublin!” So they drink up and order more.

One asks, “By the way, where did you go to school in Dublin?”

The other replies, “I went to St. Mary’s in ‘59.” The other speaks up and says, “That’s amazing! I went to St. Mary’s in ‘59!. Let’s drink to St. Mary’s!”

The phone rings behind the bar. The bartender answers, “O’Toole’s.” The person on the phone says, “This is Eddie Shawnessey. I’m wonderin’ if there’s anything going on down there tonight?” The bartender replies, “ Not much. Just the O’Grady twins getting drunk again.”
 
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