dooderooni
Well-known member
I got the wife an artificial leg as a Christmas present.
It was a stocking filler.
It was a stocking filler.
Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
Unravel_Morrison
Well-known member
I see Amazon have decided they will premiere their new action series on the MSG Sphere in Las Vegas.
Fantastic news.
Looking forward to a night of Reacher Round.
Fantastic news.
Looking forward to a night of Reacher Round.
sweet_left_foot
Well-known member
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
What’s an EV driver and a bloke with diarrhoea got in common?
Theyre both worried about getting home
Theyre both worried about getting home
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Phone rings, woman answers. Pervert, panting, says “I bet you’ve got a tight ass with no hair”
She says “ I have, he’s on the couch watching golf, who should I say‘s calling”
She says “ I have, he’s on the couch watching golf, who should I say‘s calling”
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Never kiss your mam on your dad’s birthday 
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
My son is a strapping 230 lb. star linebacker at our local university and a leader in our church youth group. We couldn't be more proud of him!
However, when I returned from grocery shopping today I found him prancing around the house in one of my dresses. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Confused in Texas
Dear Confused,
This is really a delicate situation but I have to say that you should start a diet immediately.
However, when I returned from grocery shopping today I found him prancing around the house in one of my dresses. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Confused in Texas
Dear Confused,
This is really a delicate situation but I have to say that you should start a diet immediately.
VladKinder
Well-known member
I've been down to my local bookie and placed £100 on their being Armageddon this year.
If I lose my money it's not the end of the world.
If I lose my money it's not the end of the world.
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.
The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance.
He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range so he said,
"OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, next I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed muscles just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's.
Really excited now, yanked down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the mare!”
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.
The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance.
He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range so he said,
"OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, next I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed muscles just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's.
Really excited now, yanked down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the mare!”
VladKinder
Well-known member
Have you been forced to walk 500 miles?
Are you being forced to walk 500 more?
For compensation:
Phone The Pro Claimers Now!
Are you being forced to walk 500 more?
For compensation:
Phone The Pro Claimers Now!
Last edited:
sweet_left_foot
Well-known member
Bloke with a Sikh sense of humour
Millbrook
Well-known member
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”
Teesste
Well-known member
A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said.
The woman agreed to have a bath outside the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his dart match, she heated the outside tub and watched the woman get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the young woman didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to play darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden so you can see for yourself."
So, the following Monday, while the young woman again got undressed and was getting into the tub, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," she replied. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The young woman finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?!"
"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the bloody darts team hadn't!
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said.
The woman agreed to have a bath outside the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his dart match, she heated the outside tub and watched the woman get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the young woman didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to play darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden so you can see for yourself."
So, the following Monday, while the young woman again got undressed and was getting into the tub, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," she replied. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The young woman finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?!"
"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the bloody darts team hadn't!
A woman took a lover home during the day while her husband was at work.
Her 9-year old son came home unexpectedly, saw them and hid in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband came home a short while later. She put her lover in the closet, not realizing her son was already in there.
The little boy said, “Dark in here.”
The man said, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No thanks.”
Boy: “My Dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250”
In the next few weeks, it happened again that the boy and the lover were in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
The man, remembering the last time, asked the boy, “How much?”
Boy: “$750”
Man: “Sold.”
A few days later the Dad said to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy said, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The Dad asked, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy: “$1,000”
The Dad said, “It’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that’s way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to confession.”
They went to church. The Dad made the little boy sit in the confessional and closed the door.
The boy said, “Dark in here.”
The priest said, “Don’t start that again!”
Her 9-year old son came home unexpectedly, saw them and hid in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband came home a short while later. She put her lover in the closet, not realizing her son was already in there.
The little boy said, “Dark in here.”
The man said, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No thanks.”
Boy: “My Dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250”
In the next few weeks, it happened again that the boy and the lover were in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
The man, remembering the last time, asked the boy, “How much?”
Boy: “$750”
Man: “Sold.”
A few days later the Dad said to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy said, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The Dad asked, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy: “$1,000”
The Dad said, “It’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that’s way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to confession.”
They went to church. The Dad made the little boy sit in the confessional and closed the door.
The boy said, “Dark in here.”
The priest said, “Don’t start that again!”
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Went to the chemist and asked the assistant “does viagra work?”
”oh definitely “ she replies.
”can I get it over the counter” I ask
She says ”probably if you take two”
”oh definitely “ she replies.
”can I get it over the counter” I ask
She says ”probably if you take two”
