Canyoudigit
Well-known member
Nice one Chubby
Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
sweet_left_foot
Well-known member
has she got a penis?Promised the wife fellatio for her birthday,
they didn’t have any so I got vermicelli instead
RedAsABeetroot
Well-known member
dooderooni
Well-known member
I went to the shops to get half a dozen cans of Sprite. I got home to find I'd picked 7-Up by mistake.
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
Millbrook
Well-known member
A HR Director dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks, “You need to chose your final location, Heaven or Hell.” The HR Director right away starts to choose Heaven. St. Peter stops him and says, “That’s not how it works. You go to each location for a week and then you choose”.
So they go to the elevator and St. Peter says, “First you are to try out Heaven”. He pushes the blue H button on the elevator, they get in and then the doors open. The scene is a series of small clouds with people on each one playing harps. The HR Director proceeds to an empty cloud, grabs a harp and plays.
A week later St Peter comes back and he takes him into the elevator and pushes the red H button for Hell. The doors open. It is the most beautiful golf course he has ever seen. There is a group that calls out to him by name invites him to join the foursome. For the next week it was golf, drinks, dinner and all sorts of fun entertainment.
At the end of the week, St Peter shows up and says, “You have experienced Heaven and Hell, now you must choose”. He looks at St Peter and says, “You know Heaven was very peaceful and relaxing but frankly boring. Hell on the other hand was fun and I had a great time, so I chose Hell.”
St Peter says, “Very well”. They get back in the elevator and push the red H button. The doors open and it is all fire and the people are writhing in agony. He says, “What happened to the golf course and the fun adventures?”. St Peter said, “Last week you were a recruit, now you are an employee”.
So they go to the elevator and St. Peter says, “First you are to try out Heaven”. He pushes the blue H button on the elevator, they get in and then the doors open. The scene is a series of small clouds with people on each one playing harps. The HR Director proceeds to an empty cloud, grabs a harp and plays.
A week later St Peter comes back and he takes him into the elevator and pushes the red H button for Hell. The doors open. It is the most beautiful golf course he has ever seen. There is a group that calls out to him by name invites him to join the foursome. For the next week it was golf, drinks, dinner and all sorts of fun entertainment.
At the end of the week, St Peter shows up and says, “You have experienced Heaven and Hell, now you must choose”. He looks at St Peter and says, “You know Heaven was very peaceful and relaxing but frankly boring. Hell on the other hand was fun and I had a great time, so I chose Hell.”
St Peter says, “Very well”. They get back in the elevator and push the red H button. The doors open and it is all fire and the people are writhing in agony. He says, “What happened to the golf course and the fun adventures?”. St Peter said, “Last week you were a recruit, now you are an employee”.
red_harrington
Well-known member
My son would often home from school with bad guts
I asked him who are you sitting next to cos they're obviously making you ill?
He said Sam & Ella
I asked him who are you sitting next to cos they're obviously making you ill?
He said Sam & Ella
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Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Just been for my prostate exam
got the thumbs up
got the thumbs up
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Whats the difference between Iron man and iron woman?
one‘s a superhero and the other’s an instruction
(wouldn’t dare tell that at home
)
one‘s a superhero and the other’s an instruction
(wouldn’t dare tell that at home
)
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
At my interview they said ’describe yourself in three words’
i said ‘ numerically illiterate ‘
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
Juninhoburger
Well-known member
A mobius strip walks into a bar, looking very depressed.
The barman says "hey buddy, you look down. What's the matter?"
To which the mobius strip replies "oh, where do I begin?"
The barman says "hey buddy, you look down. What's the matter?"
To which the mobius strip replies "oh, where do I begin?"
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
There once was a girl named Jill
Who used a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her v*gina in South Carolina
And bits of her t*ts in Brazil
Boom boom
Who used a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her v*gina in South Carolina
And bits of her t*ts in Brazil
Boom boom
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the women discreetly informed Linda and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Linda not to taste any of the green persimmons because they’re so sour they’d make her mouth pucker up and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the pastor climbed into the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.”
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the women discreetly informed Linda and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Linda not to taste any of the green persimmons because they’re so sour they’d make her mouth pucker up and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the pastor climbed into the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.”
