Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
dooderooni
Well-known member
A young woman is up before the judge accused of beating her boyfriend with his collection of classic guitars.
"First offender?" ask the judge.
"No, first the Gibson then the Fender" she replied.
"First offender?" ask the judge.
"No, first the Gibson then the Fender" she replied.
Millbrook
Well-known member
An Israeli is walking down a street in Paris when he comes across a vicious dog attacking a little girl. He wades in, pulls the dog off the girl, and kills it. A French reporter rushes up to him and says, “I just want you to know tomorrow's headline is going to read, ‘French Hero Saves Little Girl.’”
The Israeli says, “But I'm Israeli.”
The next day’s paper reads, “Israeli Kills Girl's Dog.”
The Israeli says, “But I'm Israeli.”
The next day’s paper reads, “Israeli Kills Girl's Dog.”
Millbrook
Well-known member
Husband and wife having a discussion on what’s more painful-child birth or being kicked in the balls. The man says-being kicked in the balls. The wife says how do you figure? Husband says, well after about a year the wife will usually say “you know I think I’d like to have another baby”. I have yet to hear a guy say “you know I think I’d like to be kicked in the balls again.”
DanBoro4499
Well-known member
Met a woman on saturday night and we went back to hers. When she took her bra off she was missing her left boob.
I felt a right t*t.
I felt a right t*t.
Norman_Conquest
Well-known member
Two caskets sat in a funeral parlour and one turned to the other and said 'Is that you coffin'.
Millbrook
Well-known member
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a double shot of whiskey NOW” even before he reaches the bar stool.
“Everything OK?” the bartender asks the patron while preparing his drink.
“Jesus! No,” says the patron. “I just found out my brother is gay and that he’s been secretly in love with my best friend for over 5 years!”
“Oh man,” the tender says, “that’s messed up. So sorry about that.”
A few days later, the same man enters the bar again, even more flustered than before. “Give me a double of what I had last time.” So the bartender places 2 glasses in front of him, each with 2 shots of whiskey.
”Man, you OK?” The bartender asks again. “Looks like you’re having a rough week!” he adds.
“Oh, God! If you only knew,” replied the patron. “My nineteen year old son just came out as gay and he stole his sister’s boyfriend from right under her nose! The house is in complete turmoil.”
During the weekend, the same patron entered and told the barman, “Man just bring the whole bottle of whiskey and a glass.”
Shaking his head in disbelief, the tender asks, “Doesn't anyone in your family prefer women?”
Downing a glass and then another, the patron looks at the barman and says, “Yes. Apparently my wife does!”
“Everything OK?” the bartender asks the patron while preparing his drink.
“Jesus! No,” says the patron. “I just found out my brother is gay and that he’s been secretly in love with my best friend for over 5 years!”
“Oh man,” the tender says, “that’s messed up. So sorry about that.”
A few days later, the same man enters the bar again, even more flustered than before. “Give me a double of what I had last time.” So the bartender places 2 glasses in front of him, each with 2 shots of whiskey.
”Man, you OK?” The bartender asks again. “Looks like you’re having a rough week!” he adds.
“Oh, God! If you only knew,” replied the patron. “My nineteen year old son just came out as gay and he stole his sister’s boyfriend from right under her nose! The house is in complete turmoil.”
During the weekend, the same patron entered and told the barman, “Man just bring the whole bottle of whiskey and a glass.”
Shaking his head in disbelief, the tender asks, “Doesn't anyone in your family prefer women?”
Downing a glass and then another, the patron looks at the barman and says, “Yes. Apparently my wife does!”
Millbrook
Well-known member
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't you Mrs. Donovan, and didn't I marry you and your husband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that you did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And are there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for you and your husband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now Mrs. Donovan, how are you these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,have you any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving husband doing?'
She replied, he’s gone to Rome to blow out your f*ckin' candle.'
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't you Mrs. Donovan, and didn't I marry you and your husband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that you did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And are there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for you and your husband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now Mrs. Donovan, how are you these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,have you any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving husband doing?'
She replied, he’s gone to Rome to blow out your f*ckin' candle.'
Millbrook
Well-known member
A brand new store just opened in New York City that sells husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.”
So a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with housework.
“Oh mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor number 32,645,013 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floor have never been visited.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.”
So a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with housework.
“Oh mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor number 32,645,013 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floor have never been visited.
Abel Tasman
Well-known member
The papers are reporting that Barcelona and Real Madrid are showing an interest in Spurs full back Destiny Udogie in January.
Apparently they have asked chairman Daniel Levy, "How much is Udogie in the window?"
Apparently they have asked chairman Daniel Levy, "How much is Udogie in the window?"
Muttley
Well-known member
I've just got a new pet termite, I'm calling him "Clint", because Clint eats wood.
If you watch Jaws backwards it becomes a heart warming tale of a shark that repairs boats and gives limbs to disabled people.
A Sunderland lass goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" she replies
"Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the lass, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," she says... "I just use their surnames."
If you watch Jaws backwards it becomes a heart warming tale of a shark that repairs boats and gives limbs to disabled people.
A Sunderland lass goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" she replies
"Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the lass, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," she says... "I just use their surnames."
Millbrook
Well-known member
A woman phoned her blonde male neighbour and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are making love. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke 's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke 's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
dooderooni
Well-known member
How do you get 4 elephants in a Mini? 2 in the front, 2 in the back.
Did you hear about the thought activated air freshener? It makes scents when you think about it.
I've been practicing writing my name in cursive. It's become my signature move.
The missus was carrying a load of freshly ironed laundry upstairs when she tripped. She was furious with me for doing nothing and just watching it all unfold.
Did you hear about the thought activated air freshener? It makes scents when you think about it.
I've been practicing writing my name in cursive. It's become my signature move.
The missus was carrying a load of freshly ironed laundry upstairs when she tripped. She was furious with me for doing nothing and just watching it all unfold.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Was in the pub last night and there was a bloke sat at the bar in a black top, black shorts, black socks and footy boots with a whistle in his hand.
I thought ‘this f**kers going to kick off in a minute’
I thought ‘this f**kers going to kick off in a minute’
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
People are too judgmental these days. I can tell just by looking at them.
Marineboysmoggy
Active member
Our lass is going mad.
Her knickers have been pinched off the line last night.
She isn't to upset about that, she just wants her 12 pegs back.
Her knickers have been pinched off the line last night.
She isn't to upset about that, she just wants her 12 pegs back.
Muttley
Well-known member
They have just installed a new robot bartender with a full AI chat function in our local pub. First customer walks in
Barbot: Good evening sir, what can I get you?
Customer: A pint of bitter please.
Barbot: A fine choice sir, in order to engage you in appropriate chat can I ask your IQ
Customer: 146
Barbot then engages the customer in a chat about Astro Physics and the latest developments in Engineering
A bit later the second customer of the day enters
Barbot: Good evening madam, what would you like to drink?
Customer: A glass of merlot please.
Barbot: A fine choice madam, in order to engage you in appropriate chat can I ask your IQ
Customer: 110
Barbot then engages the customer with a wide ranging discussion about life and sport
At this point the third customer enter
Barbot: Good evening sir, what can I get you?
Customer: A pint of bitter please.
Barbot: A fine choice sir, in order to engage you in appropriate chat can I ask your IQ
Customer: 46
Barbot: Ahm Sunlun till I die, ahm Sunlun till I die...
Barbot: Good evening sir, what can I get you?
Customer: A pint of bitter please.
Barbot: A fine choice sir, in order to engage you in appropriate chat can I ask your IQ
Customer: 146
Barbot then engages the customer in a chat about Astro Physics and the latest developments in Engineering
A bit later the second customer of the day enters
Barbot: Good evening madam, what would you like to drink?
Customer: A glass of merlot please.
Barbot: A fine choice madam, in order to engage you in appropriate chat can I ask your IQ
Customer: 110
Barbot then engages the customer with a wide ranging discussion about life and sport
At this point the third customer enter
Barbot: Good evening sir, what can I get you?
Customer: A pint of bitter please.
Barbot: A fine choice sir, in order to engage you in appropriate chat can I ask your IQ
Customer: 46
Barbot: Ahm Sunlun till I die, ahm Sunlun till I die...
SalfordBoro
Well-known member
Why can't humans hear dog whistles?
Because dogs can't whistle
Because dogs can't whistle