Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Our local pub is so rough.

They had a quiz on last night and the 1st question was, "What the f*** you looking at?"

Not a joke but a true story. When my mate was home from London we went to a few Pubs in Redcar. We went in Hop and Grape and there was a quiz on.

Quizmaster said "Right the next question is on Current Affairs"

Lady put her hand up and said "Whats Current Affairs"


Made us laugh. Not sure whether she won the quiz or not as we didnt stay. :ROFLMAO:
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Nobby was invited round to a mate Derek's house last night to see his pet crocodile. Nobby was a bit nervous around the croc who was at least six foot long and watched Nobby unblinkingly. Seeing how nervous Nob was Degsy chirps up, "Nobby, let me show you how tame he is!"

He taps the croc on the nose and the croc opens it's mouth revealing rows of sharp teeth. Nobby gasps and moves a little further away. In a single smooth moment Derek unzips his flies and places his todger on the croc's teeth. He then whacks the croc over the head with a walking stick.

"See?" says Derek, "would you like to have a go?"

"OK" says Nobby, "but don't hit me so hard please"
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A piper is very pleased when is asked to play at the burial of an old soldier at the churchyard. Unfortunately, the church is in a remote area and he becomes lost on the way there.

After almost an hour of looking, he finally spots the gentlemen filling in the grave.

Unfortunately, because of his lateness, everyone else has gone.

He decides that as long as he is here he will do his duty as promised.

He walks to the half-filled grave with his pipes and the diggers stop working and stand upright he nods at them and then stands at the head of the grave and begins playing Amazing Grace.

He does the best rendition that he has ever done in his life.

He is very pleased with himself as he nods again and walks away toward his car with a somber look on his face.

As he leaves he hears one of the gravediggers say to the other…

That was really amazing, I’ve never heard anything like that in all my 20 years of putting in septic tanks.
An Irishman goes into a bar in Canada.
The barman greets him and says " what brings you to Canada?"
The Irishman replies, "I was in my local pub in Dublin and on my beer mat it said 'drink Canada dry' - so I thought I'll give it a go."