Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
JohnCraggs1973
Member
Bus pulls up at the bus stop.
Waiting is a bloke with 3 heads, no arms and 1 leg.
Conductor says to the man " 'allo,' allo 'allo, you look ' armless, hop on.
Waiting is a bloke with 3 heads, no arms and 1 leg.
Conductor says to the man " 'allo,' allo 'allo, you look ' armless, hop on.
asredastheycome
Well-known member
asredastheycome
Well-known member
Bristol-boro
Active member
I never thought organ donation was something for me...........
But now I've had a change of heart
But now I've had a change of heart
asredastheycome
Well-known member
Not a joke but a true story. When my mate was home from London we went to a few Pubs in Redcar. We went in Hop and Grape and there was a quiz on.
Quizmaster said "Right the next question is on Current Affairs"
Lady put her hand up and said "Whats Current Affairs"
Made us laugh. Not sure whether she won the quiz or not as wee didnt stay.
Bristol-boro
Active member
My Dad keeps telling me about the importance of organ donation and he is trying to get me to carry a Donor Card
He's a man after my own heart
He's a man after my own heart
JohnCraggs1973
Member
Here's a little known fact.
Before the crowbar was invented crows drank at home.
Before the crowbar was invented crows drank at home.
Muttley
Well-known member
Nobby was invited round to a mate Derek's house last night to see his pet crocodile. Nobby was a bit nervous around the croc who was at least six foot long and watched Nobby unblinkingly. Seeing how nervous Nob was Degsy chirps up, "Nobby, let me show you how tame he is!"
He taps the croc on the nose and the croc opens it's mouth revealing rows of sharp teeth. Nobby gasps and moves a little further away. In a single smooth moment Derek unzips his flies and places his todger on the croc's teeth. He then whacks the croc over the head with a walking stick.
"See?" says Derek, "would you like to have a go?"
"OK" says Nobby, "but don't hit me so hard please"
He taps the croc on the nose and the croc opens it's mouth revealing rows of sharp teeth. Nobby gasps and moves a little further away. In a single smooth moment Derek unzips his flies and places his todger on the croc's teeth. He then whacks the croc over the head with a walking stick.
"See?" says Derek, "would you like to have a go?"
"OK" says Nobby, "but don't hit me so hard please"
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JohnCraggs1973
Member
One of the biggest mistakes I ever made.
1987, a knock at the door, 2 blokes there asking would I help them doing a sponsored walk. I sponsored each of them for £2 a mile.
It was The Proclaimers. Doh.
1987, a knock at the door, 2 blokes there asking would I help them doing a sponsored walk. I sponsored each of them for £2 a mile.
It was The Proclaimers. Doh.
Norfolkred1
Well-known member
A piper is very pleased when is asked to play at the burial of an old soldier at the churchyard. Unfortunately, the church is in a remote area and he becomes lost on the way there.
After almost an hour of looking, he finally spots the gentlemen filling in the grave.
Unfortunately, because of his lateness, everyone else has gone.
He decides that as long as he is here he will do his duty as promised.
He walks to the half-filled grave with his pipes and the diggers stop working and stand upright he nods at them and then stands at the head of the grave and begins playing Amazing Grace.
He does the best rendition that he has ever done in his life.
He is very pleased with himself as he nods again and walks away toward his car with a somber look on his face.
As he leaves he hears one of the gravediggers say to the other…
That was really amazing, I’ve never heard anything like that in all my 20 years of putting in septic tanks.
After almost an hour of looking, he finally spots the gentlemen filling in the grave.
Unfortunately, because of his lateness, everyone else has gone.
He decides that as long as he is here he will do his duty as promised.
He walks to the half-filled grave with his pipes and the diggers stop working and stand upright he nods at them and then stands at the head of the grave and begins playing Amazing Grace.
He does the best rendition that he has ever done in his life.
He is very pleased with himself as he nods again and walks away toward his car with a somber look on his face.
As he leaves he hears one of the gravediggers say to the other…
That was really amazing, I’ve never heard anything like that in all my 20 years of putting in septic tanks.
dooderooni
Well-known member
Why did the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe.
I get a pain in my wrist every night at 8:50pm precisely.
I've been diagnosed with tentoninesis.
Because they cantaloupe.
I get a pain in my wrist every night at 8:50pm precisely.
I've been diagnosed with tentoninesis.
JohnCraggs1973
Member
Heard a knock at the door today.
Opened the door and there stood a 3 foot 3 inch person.
I said "who are you?"
He replied "I'm the meter man."
Opened the door and there stood a 3 foot 3 inch person.
I said "who are you?"
He replied "I'm the meter man."
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil??
I wouldn’t pay 50 quid to have a lentil on my face
I wouldn’t pay 50 quid to have a lentil on my face
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
I went to see the doctor, he said “you rally need to stop masturbating “
I said ‘ Oh my god doc why?’
He said “ I’m trying to examine you “
I said ‘ Oh my god doc why?’
He said “ I’m trying to examine you “
JohnCraggs1973
Member
Unravel_Morrison
Well-known member
Its been proven that Dwayne Johnson can turn any lesbian straight.
Rock beats scissors every time.
Rock beats scissors every time.
Unravel_Morrison
Well-known member
I bought my mum a new fridge.
When she opened it, she said 'that is a nice fridge, the light is useful.'
When she opened it, she said 'that is a nice fridge, the light is useful.'
JohnCraggs1973
Member
An Irishman goes into a bar in Canada.
The barman greets him and says " what brings you to Canada?"
The Irishman replies, "I was in my local pub in Dublin and on my beer mat it said 'drink Canada dry' - so I thought I'll give it a go."
The barman greets him and says " what brings you to Canada?"
The Irishman replies, "I was in my local pub in Dublin and on my beer mat it said 'drink Canada dry' - so I thought I'll give it a go."