Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I've ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ...
“You missed the f—-ing putt, didn’t you?”
 
On their wedding night the bride says to the husband I need to confess I have already slept with one other man. That’s fine says the husband we all have a past but who was it - Tiger Woods she says. Anyway they go to bed and make love. After they finish he takes out his phone but the wife says who are you calling? The husband says I was going to order us some food. The wife says when I made love to Tiger he immediately wanted to go again a second time 😉. The husband puts down the phone and they make love again. Afterwards he takes out his phone again and the wife says who are you phoning and he says I was going to order us some food. Well when I was with Tiger we made love straight away again 😉 . The husband gets back in bed and they make love a third time. Afterwards he takes out his phone whilst his wife looks at him expectantly tapping the bed 😉 . Are you you thinking of phoning for food again she says? No the husband responds, I’m phoning Tiger Woods to see what bloody par is for this hole 😂😂.
 
Last edited:
Went in to town this afternoon, popped into Specsavers, then Boots and treated myself to a snack from Greggs

My life is specs and drugs and sausage rolls.


Teacher: Johnny can you make a sentence using the word "contagious"

Johnny: Our neighbour is painting his fence with a two inch paint brush, my Dad say it will take that contagious
 

On A Rainy Day A little Native American Asks his Dad...​


Why is my brother named Soaring Eagle?
The Chief replies, "When your brother was born the first thing I did was take him outside, and saw a eagle soaring through the air."
The boy then asks, "Why is my sister named Sitting Bull?" The boys father says, "When your sister was born I brought her outside and the first thing I saw was A bull sit down in the field.

The Chief then says to the boy: Why do you ask these questions Two Dogs F***ing?"
 
I read this in the bimonthly "Now and Then" a bit racey for them I thought

A guy gets on a bus with a pocket full of golf balls...


He sits down next to a woman who keeps looking at his pants.


After a few minutes of noticing she can't take her eyes off him, he looks at her and says "golf balls."


"What?" The woman replies.


"It's golf balls," the man responds.


"Oh," says the woman. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
 
Not a dad joke, but one of my favourite anecdotes.

Cookies by Douglas Adams

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice . . .” I mean, it doesn’t really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who’s had the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top