Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A young man is waiting for his doctor’s appointment when a young lady wearing a micro-mini skirt enters the waiting room and sits opposite him. As she sits down the skirt rides up, exposing a lot of flesh.

They strike up a conversation. She says, “Do you mind if I ask why you have an appointment with the doctor?”

He replies, “Not at all—I have a hernia. Can I ask why you’re here?”

She says, “I have acute angina.”

He briefly glances down before replying,” You can say that again!”
 
In a bid to solve our goalscoring issues Carrick and Scott find an unknown Spanish wonderkid who luckily is out of contract. We sign him, but unfortunately he doesn't speak English.

Carrick decides to throw him straight into the side and so the young Spaniard is in the changing room with his team mates listening intently to MC giving the pre match team talk.

"This.....here......is......the..... ball" says Carrick slowly, holding up a football.

"And..... this.....is .....the.....goal" he adds pointing to a picture of a goal.

"Kick.....ball......into.....goal" says Carrick, miming shooting.

"Si, si, senor, I understand" says the Spanish wonderkid nodding enthusiastically.

Carrick looks up at him and says.

"I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the rest of these useless b***ds".
 
Millbrook said:
A young man is waiting for his doctor’s appointment when a young lady wearing a micro-mini skirt enters the waiting room and sits opposite him. As she sits down the skirt rides up, exposing a lot of flesh.

They strike up a conversation. She says, “Do you mind if I ask why you have an appointment with the doctor?”

He replies, “Not at all—I have a hernia. Can I ask why you’re here?”

She says, “I have acute angina.”

He briefly glances down before replying,” You can say that again!”
Click to expand...
The last line that I used for that joke in the 80’s was “I know and your t1ts are great too” 😁
 
Husband gets up early to go fishing, goes to the garage gets on the wellies and opens the garage door, sees it's lashing down really heavy so decides to get back in bed.
He creeps back into the bedroom quietly gets undressed, snuggles up behind his wife and gently whispers "It's raining cats and dogs out there!"

"Yeah" she replies "And that daft buggers still gone fishing..."
 
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''
 
A chicken and a donkey were in a field when the donkey walked into some quick sand. The donkey shouted to the chicken "go get the farmer" the chicken ran around the farm looking for the farmer but couldn't find him anywhere. So it jumped in the farmers BMW and after a attaching a rope to it dragged the donkey out of the quick sand.

The next day the chicken stupidly fell into the same quick sand. The chicken shouted to the donkey "get the farmer to get me out of here" the donkey seeing the farmer drive off in his BMW casually looks down at the chicken and says "just grab onto my penis" "why" says the chicken "well if you are hung like me you don't need a flash car to pick up chicks".
 
A woman with a massive stomachache went to the doctor.

"Okay,” said the doctor, "please lie down on your back so I can examine you".

He proceeded to push her stomach with both hands and "BRAAAAP!”

She let out a huge fart.

"Could you roll to the side, please,” said the doctor and she did as requested.

The doctor pressed down again and indeed, another "BRAAAP" burst forth.

The doctor then left the room and comes back with a stick with a hook at one end.

The woman jumped up and
screamed, “What the hell do you think you’re doing with that?“

“Relax,” said the doctor, "I'm opening a window."
 
Apparently Bryan Adams has very limited maths skills .
the only additions he can do are 64 + 5 and also 50 + 19.


He’s a Summer of 69
 
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