Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
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An Australian woman took out a personal advert to find herself a man who’s never slept with a woman before.
She finally got a reply from a man who’s spent his entire life in the outback. They met and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they got married.
On the wedding night, she walked into the bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked, with all the furniture from the room piled into one corner.
“What happened?” she asked.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he said, “but if it’s anything like being with a kangaroo I’m going to need all the room I can get.”
She finally got a reply from a man who’s spent his entire life in the outback. They met and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they got married.
On the wedding night, she walked into the bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked, with all the furniture from the room piled into one corner.
“What happened?” she asked.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he said, “but if it’s anything like being with a kangaroo I’m going to need all the room I can get.”
Pauline & Frank, an elderly couple, were attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Borobuddah
Well-known member
What do you call a nose with no-body?
“A nobody nose”
“A nobody nose”
Millbrook
Well-known member
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can I help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
“How can I help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
Millbrook
Well-known member
The Rules of Cricket
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.
There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.
When both sides have been in and all the men have got out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.
There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.
When both sides have been in and all the men have got out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!
Millbrook
Well-known member
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
dooderooni
Well-known member
Think 'courtesy cat' might work better for this.
Millbrook
Well-known member
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No", says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No", he says. "They’re all at the funeral."
"No", says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No", he says. "They’re all at the funeral."
Millbrook
Well-known member
In 1970, a man goes into a tailor's shop in Birmingham to buy a new suit. After going through all the usual choices, he settles on a nice single breated two-button charcoal grey one with a single vent and three buttons on each sleeve.
The salesman then persuades him to add a shirt, one with a complementary pink stripe and then he asks, “How about we finish off with a nice kipper tie?”
“That would be lovely”, replies the customer, “milk and two sugars please”.
The salesman then persuades him to add a shirt, one with a complementary pink stripe and then he asks, “How about we finish off with a nice kipper tie?”
“That would be lovely”, replies the customer, “milk and two sugars please”.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Not saying it’s windy, but my wheelie bin is on a speed awareness course next Thursday .
festa5
Well-known member
On a similar theme.
A (south) Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appeared and gave him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbled from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggled, asking again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and pulled back the covers, then raised his gown and held his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, looking very closely, she said, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
“Are my test results back?"
"Nurse,"' he mumbled from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggled, asking again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and pulled back the covers, then raised his gown and held his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, looking very closely, she said, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
“Are my test results back?"