Dad Jokes - all welcome!

One day a man went to go see a big shot talent agent to see if he would consider representing him.

The agent said “well, I’ve got to see want kind of talent you have.” Well, the man shows him.

The agent watched him mesmerized and saw how great he could dance, heard him singing beautifully, saw him act and listened to his comedy routines. The agent was amazed at all the talent this man had. He wanted to sign him up right away so he asked him what his name was.

“Well,” the man replies, “My parents gave me a rather odd name…my name is Penis Van Lesbian.” The agent says, “Oh no, that name wouldn’t work. We have to change your name.”

The agent thinks for a while, trying to figure out a good name for him. All of a sudden the agent says, “I’ve got the perfect name for you! From now on your new name will be ‘d*ck Van Dyke
 
How the media works.

It was the Pope's first visit to the holy city of Varanasi in India. Amid massive excitement among journalists to talk to the Pope, one of them got a chance to ask him one question.

He asked, "Your Holiness, will you be visiting any nightclubs while in Varanasi?"
The Pope, surprised and slightly exasperated, asked, "Are there any nightclubs in this holy city?"

Next day, the headline read: "Pope's First Words: Are There Any Nightclubs In The City?"
 
Seb Coe had an Olympic reunion in his home town of Sheffield.

Steve Cram took fish

Tessa Sanderson took chips

Daley Thomson brought mushy peas

Steve Ovett brought the salt & vinegar

There's a knock at the door. Seb goes to answer

"Who is it?" they all asked

"oh.. only Fatima wi t'bread."
 
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 23 years.”
 
A cowboy rides into the high street of a Western town and finds it deserted. He hitches his horse to the rail outside the saloon and goes in.

The barman is polishing glasses behind the bar.

“Hi” says the cowboy “mighty quiet in town”

“Yup” says the barman “Everybody’s at the hanging”

“The hanging?” says the cowboy “Who they hanging?”

“They’re hanging Brown Paper Pete”

Said the barman

“Oh, why do you call him that?”

“Well”

Said the barman,

“His shirt is made of brown paper, this chaps are made of brown paper, and his favourite hat is made of brown paper”

“I see!”

Said the cowboy

“What are they hanging him for?” …

“Rustling”
 
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub, saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife have really smelly feet and my socks absolutely stink?”

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting on the bed, saying to herself, “How do I tell my husband that I usually have really bad breath? I worked hard to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out.“

The husband finally mustered up enough courage to tell his wife and walked over to the bed to where his wife was sitting, put his arm around her neck, moved his face very close to hers and said, "Darling, I have a confession to make."

“So have I, honey,” she said.

He blinked hard and said, “Don’t tell me – you’ve eaten my socks."
 
When I was a younger Man out for a night out I found I wasn't that choosy after a few pints.
In fact I found getting a BJ from an unattractive girl similar to rock climbing.

Exciting as long as I didn't look down.
 
A calm, respectable-looking woman walked into into a pharmacy and right up to the pharmacist.

Looking him straight in the eyes she said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist exclaimed,
“Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
A Lawyer named 'Strange' died and his wife asked the grave builder to inscribe on his grave:-

"Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The grave builder insisted that such an inscription would be confusing and people would tend to think that three men were buried under the grave.

However he suggested an alternative:

"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

That way, whenever anyone walked by the grave and read it, they would be certain to remark:

"That's Strange !"
 
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