Dad Jokes - all welcome!

An old Jewish man is sitting in the Moscow public library reading a book, when he’s approached by a KGB agent.
“What are you reading old man?”, the agent asks.
“I’m reading a book that will teach me the Hebrew language.”, he replied.
The KGB man laughed an said, “Old man, there is no way you’ll ever be in Israel to speak Hebrew. You’re old, and it will take years, and years for you to get the papers to leave.”
“ Oh no”, replied the old man, “ I don’t plan to go to Israel, I’m learning Hebrew so that I can speak with Avraham, Yitzhak, Ya’aqov, and Moshe when I get to Heaven.”
The agent thought for a moment and said, “How do you know you’re going to Heaven? What if you go the other way?”
The old man shot back, “That’s OK, I already speak Russian.”
 
Two men are standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde asks them what their problem is. They reply that they have been told to measure the height of the flagpole; they have a tape measure but no ladder.

The blonde steps forward, removes a bolt from the base of the pole, lowers it horizontal, takes the measure and tells them “It is 23 feet” and walks away.

One man turns to the other and says “Stupid blonde. We ask for the height and she gives us the length”.
 
I tried to start up a new Sarcastic Club, but I can't tell if anyone wants to join.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it really.
 
I went out for a curry the other night, I was tucking into a wonderful lamb biryani, pilau rice and a side of sag aloo when this little old Indian lady emerged from the kitchen and tottered over to my table. "What a wonderful polite man you are and you have perfect table manners" she said then disappeared back into the kitchen. I called the waiter over and asked what was that about?

He said "that was your complimentary nan"
 
A man died, and up in heaven he was given the chance to return to earth in another form, his answer was simple "I want to be turned into a louse and live on Burt Reynolds moustache, I'm a huge fan!"

BOOM - There he was

About 2 weeks later, he called up to heaven and said, I can't take it any more, I haven't slept in a fortnight, it's wine, women and song the whole time. I've changed my mind, I want to live on Joan Collins pubic hair, I've always loved Joan.

BOOM! - off he goes.

About 2 days later he calls up to heaven again and says "You're not going to believe this.... I'm back in Burt Reynolds moustache"
 
A priest and nun are playing golf. The nun sinks her putt easily. The priest taps the ball too hard. It rolls to the hole, turns at the edge and rolls away.

The priests eyes turn red. GODDAMMIT! I MISSED!

The nun is visibly shocked but holds her tongue.

On the next hole, the nun again sinks her putt. This time the priest takes too gentle of a swing. The ball rolls up to the edge and stops.

The priest smashes his club on the green. GODDAMMIT! I MISSED AGAIN!

The nun glares at the priest and tells him, “Father, if you take the Lord’s name in vain again, may he strike you dead on the spot.”

The priest grumbles and moves to the next hole. Again the nun sinks her putt. This time the priest taps the ball right past the hole.

The priest shakes his fist at the sky. GODDAMMIT! I MISSED!

A gust of wind blows across the green. Clouds roll into the sky blotting out the sun. Thunder rumbles. The priest looks worried. The nun folds her arms and sneers smugly at the priest.

A bolt of lightning strikes from the clouds and hits the nun, killing her instantly.

The wind blows like a hurricane. A loud voice echoes across the land. GODDAMMIT! I MISSED!
 
A man enters a cafe and sits at a table.

A blonde waitress asks for his order.

“One coffee, please, without cream,” he replies.

The waitress responds, “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to take it without milk; we haven’t any cream”.
 
A penguin was driving through town when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he could cool down.

The mechanic replied

"there is an ice cream parlour a few blocks up the street"

So the penguin thanked him and waddled up to the parlour. When he got there he ordered the biggest tub of vanilla ice cream they had.

After a while of enjoying his ice cream, he started to head back to the mechanic.

When he got back the mechanic said:

"Hey it looks like you blew a seal"

Then the penguin shouted:

"No no! It's just vanilla ice cream!"
 
A homeless man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “ If you give me a free drink, I'll show you a trick that will blow your mind.”

The bartender is naturally skeptical and says, “ Show me the trick first and if it blows my mind I'll give you that drink.”

The homeless man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. The mouse runs down the bar to the bar's piano and starts running along the keys, playing a tune.

The bartender is suitably impressed and gives the homeless man a free drink.
The homeless man says, “ If you give me another drink I'll show you another trick that will blow your mind even more. “

The bartender wasn't sure how the homeless man could outdo the piano playing mouse, but he says, “ If you can top that mouse, I'll let you drink free all night.”

The homeless man smiles and reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog that proceeds to sing along to the tune the mouse is playing.

The bartender says,” Okay, you're drinking free all night.”

Another patron of the bar approaches the homeless man and says,” I'll give you five hundred dollars for that frog right now!”

The homeless man says, “ Sold!”

The man gives him the money, picks up the frog and walks out of the bar as happy as a clam.

The bartender is stunned and asks, “ Why in the world did you do that!? You had a singing frog! You could have made millions with that thing, and you let it go for a measly five hundred bucks!?”

The homeless man just smiles, shakes his head and says,” Nah, that frog was worthless.” He points at the mouse and adds, “ It's all the mouse, he doesn't just play the piano, he's also a ventriloquist.”
 
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment and when Declan Murphy lost $500 on a single hand, he clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continued playing standing up.

When the night was over Michael O'Connor look around and said, 'Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Declan’s wife. Who will it be?'

They drew straws. Paul Gallagher picked the short one. They told him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher went over to Murphy's house and knocked on the door. Mrs. Murphy answered and asked what he wanted.

Gallagher declared, 'Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.'

‘Tell him to drop dead!', said Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him,’ Gallagher replied.
 
A blond gets hired on a construction site. At lunchtime she sees one on the guys with a metal cylinder and asks him “what is that?” He says it’s a Thermos. She asks what it does, he says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. This fascinated the blond and she had to get one for herself.

The next week, she proudly pulls her thermos out at lunch. The man who spoke to her the week prior says “I see you got a Thermos” to which the blond answered “yes!” The man asked her “What you got In there?”

The blond answered “Two cups of coffee and a popsicle!”
 
Back
Top