Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to this address please?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.'

The lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Thats a good idea,' he said, and proceeded to walk the lady home.

On the way, he said, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The lady looked him over cautiously and said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
 
Another courtroom scene.

Lawyer - Doctor how many of your autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Witness - All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

And

Lawyer - Do you recall the time you examined the body.

Witness - The autopsy started at 10.30

Lawyer - And Mr Denton was dead at the time?

Witness - If not, he was by the time I had finished.

Supposedly true exchanges.
 
My guitarist friend Paul is also an avid outdoorsman and owns 4 tents which he uses for camping at different times of the year. Each one is analogous to 1 of 4 different musical genres.
In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent and when it’s cold and snowy it’s always the winter of our disco tent.
 
A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins Hospital performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replacing the missing lids with the harvested tissue.

The boy's new eyelids worked almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection wasn’t a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.
 
Seamus was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer (Paddy) approached and asked if he could join him. Seamus said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. Paddy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for £5.00 a hole?"

Seamus said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed.

Paddy easily won the remaining 16 holes. They walked off number eighteen while Paddy counted his £80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and “liked to pick on suckers.”

Seamus, shocked, revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

Paddy the pro was flustered and apologetic and offered to return the money.

Seamus replied, "You won fair and square I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."

An embarrassed Paddy asked, "Please, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

Seamus replied, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along I'll marry them.
 
A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked, "What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?" Her husband replied, "It's a war to stop America and NATO." "Oh, right” she says “How's it going?"

“Well” he replied “so far we have lost over 20 generals, 100,000 troops killed, countless injured, 3000 tanks, 300 aircraft, hundreds of helicopters, countless armoured vehicles, artillery and trucks, our flagship along with other naval ships, our army is being defeated in most areas and we have had to resort to conscripting 500,000 Russians including murders and rapists to replace our losses”.

“Wow” replied the wife “what about America and NATO”?

“They haven’t turned up yet”
 
I was having a meal in an Indian restaurant. I was just finishing up and thinking about getting the bill when this little old lady came up to my table. She said: “You are such a lovely boy, with beautiful manners. You are a credit to your mum and dad.” Then off she toddled.

I said to the waiter: Excuse me, but who was that?

He said: Ah yes sir: that’s your complimentary nan…
 
Once upon a time, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.”

“One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."

That night the princess had frog legs for dinner.
 
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