Dad Jokes - all welcome!

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 
Three men are applying for a position as a police detective. They are all being interviewed on the same day.

The chief calls in the first applicant and says “Before we hire you, you have to pass a little test. I’m going to show you a photograph of a suspect; you tell me something about them based on their photo.”

So the chief hands the first applicant a photo. The applicant studies it for a moment, then says “Easy, the suspect only has one eye!”

The chief, puzzled, looks at the photo, then says “Are you crazy?! This is a profile picture! Of course you can only see one of his eyes! Get out of here!”

So the chief calls in the second applicant and gives him the same photo. The applicant says “The suspect only has one ear!”

The chief blows up “Has nobody ever heard of a profile picture! Get out of here!”

He calls in the third applicant and says “Now, before you say anything, I want you to think very carefully… what can you tell me about this suspect?”

The third applicant studies the photo intensely for a few moments, then says “This man wears contact lenses.”

The chief is taken aback. He excuses himself and goes to look at the suspect’s file, where he is pleasantly surprised to discover that the suspect does wear contact lenses. He returns to the interview room and says “You’re right…but how could you tell from this photo that the suspect wears contact lenses?”

The applicant replies: “Well, he can’t wear regular glasses since he only has one eye and one ear!”
 
William Wordsworth and Robert Frost had an argument in Heaven over who was a better poet. It got very loud so Saint Peter told them they could settle it by having a poetry contest with the condition that the poem had to end with “Timbuktu”.

Wordsworth presented his poem.

It would be lovely for me and you

to fall in love out of the blue

then journey off to Timbuktu

Frost realized it would a challenge and then decided to be clever.

Into the woods, Tim and I went

We met three maidens in a tent

Since they were three and we were two

I buck one and Timbuktu
 
A young woman fills in on some classes as a substitute teacher at a fairly rough inner city school ,she is told by the headteacher to not take any nonsense from the kids and to punish them accordingly if they start to get cheeky.

After introducing herself she begins to write on the blackboard, as she stretches to chalk little ‘Leon ‘raises his hand and says “when you reach up miss I can see the top of your black stockings’ you naughty boy off you go your excluded for the rest of the day she shrieks “

Leon duly gets up and leaves and she carries on , once again after stretching to write on the board little ‘Timmy’ puts his hand up and says “when you reached up this time miss I saw your suspender belt ,“ slightly red faced this time she orders Timmy out and tells him he's excluded for a week .

After Timmy leaves she goes to continue to write on the blackboard and being a bit flustered drops the ‘chalk, after bending over to pick it up from the floor she notices little ‘Tommy’ packing up his books and heading towards the door “ were do you think your going Tommy she shouts “ he replies listen miss from what I just saw my school days are well and truly over “.
 
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