Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[Ingleby_Flash]

The doctor asked me ‘do alcoholics run in your Familly?’
I said ‘no but they stumble around and break shït’

 

[Lefty]

When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted "fcuking brilliant!"

Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order.

Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene.

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

Me: Do you have any lube.
Chemist: No have you tried boots?
Me: I want to friggin glide in not march in!!

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

She said: let’s role play.
I said: ok I’m Trump, you be the US economy.
She said: I don’t want to be f**ked that hard!!

 

[Comforts_comforter]

I’ve just accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes…..

Now I have Heinzsight.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

 

[wyliefan]

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

My wife asked if she had any annoying habits, then got all annoyed during the PowerPoint presentation.

 

[RavsFan]

Just back from a holiday in South Africa where I ticked off an item on my bucket list, I finally got to do a cage dive to see some Great Whites, but I wouldn’t recommend it, it cost me an arm and a leg.

 

[McMordie]

I thought that the Premier League was getting uncompetitive until I watched the Boat Race. Always seems to be the same two teams in the final.

 

[Lefty]

Someone told me about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon last week and now I'm seeing references to it everywhere.

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

I’m sat in A&E at the moment. I don’t want to go into details but the “Dyson ball cleaner” is a very misleading product name

 

[RavsFan]

I’m sat in A&E at the moment. I don’t want to go into details but the “Dyson ball cleaner” is a very misleading product name

Well whatever you do, don’t ever buy the crevice cleaning brush set from Amazon then

 

[Ingleby_Flash]

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today but those police came from nowhere

 

[r00fie1]

Liz Truss went to the doctors saying she was in pain and a lettuce sticking out of her skirt.
Doctor says, can you tell me what's that all about?
She said: it's a long story - just the tip of the iceberg!

 

[festa5]

Judas Iscariot: "so, are we all still on for the last supper tomorrow?"

Jesus: "the LAST supper?"

Judas: "supper, I mean supper".

 

[sambaDTR]

 

[Carlos Fandango]

In a surprising announcement, Head & Shoulders have decided to discontinue their popular anti-dandruff shampoo line.

The decision left many scratching their heads......

 

[TeessideCleveland]

 

[Lefty]