Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive.

Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.


Putin was baffled, so he emailed the message to Lukashenko, and his aides had no idea either, so they sent it to the KGB. No one could solve it at the KGB either, so a double agent sent it to the CIA, then the NSA.

They also didn't know what it meant.
Finally, the CIA director sent the message to The Australian Military for help. Within a few seconds, they called back with this message:

"Tell that dumb ****** Putin he's holding the message upside down."
Just seen Suggs on TV espousing diversity in the workplace and equal rights for all genders, religions and races. Its Madness gone politically correct!


Patient: "I'm having problems with my hearing."

Doctor: "Can you describe the symptoms?"

Patient: "Homer is a fat guy, and Marge has blue hair."
Three men were standing at the gate to Heaven.
God came to the first man and asked him how many times he cheated on his wife. The man said, “Never would I cheat on my wife. I loved her very much.”

God looked at him for a second and said,”You can’t fool me, I’m God! You’ve cheated on her 10 times! As your punishment, you will have to drive this beat-up Prius while you’re in Heaven.”
The man scowled and drove into Heaven.

God went to the second guy and asked him the same question. The second man said, “I never cheated on my wife. I loved her very much”. God looked at him for a second and said, “You can’t fool me, I’m God! You’ve cheated on her 5 times!”
“As your punishment, you will have to drive this junker Honda Civic for eternity.” The man shrugged and drove into Heaven.
God came to the 3rd man and asked him the same question. The third said, “Never! Not once in 45 years of marriage. I loved her very much.”

God looked at him for a second and said, “Ah, yes. You are telling the truth and I can see that you loved her very much. As a reward for your loyalty, you may drive this Ferrari in heaven.” The man, very excited, drove into heaven.

A few weeks later the same three men met up in Heaven. The third man was very upset. The first guy said, “What’s the matter? You’re driving around in that amazing Ferrari while we have these junkers!”
“Yeah,” The third man replied. “But I just saw my wife – and she’s on a bicycle!”
A man is on a desert island, been there alone for years. One day he is sat on the beach and out from the sea comes a beautiful woman in a wet suit. He runs to her and says “ thank god. You are the first human I’ve seen in 20 years”. She smiles and says “you poor thing, when was the last time you had a drink?” and she unzips a pocket and pulls out a hip flask of brandy. He takes a sip, a tear fills his eye. “Do you smoke?” she asked. “Well I was thinking of giving up but, if you have one”. And she unzipped a pocket and pulled out a pack and hands them to him. He lights up and a smile spreads across his face. She says “20 years eh? Thats a long time to be alone” and she starts to unzip the front of her wet suit. “How would you like to play around?”. And he said “ Don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there!!!???”
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and then arrange to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with an underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash until he collected his wife's insurance. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying a single pound coin inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There he surprised her in the vegetable department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the vegetable department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the vegetable manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the security cameras and observed by the security guard, who immediately called the police. Not surprisingly, Artie was caught and arrested immediately.
Under intense questioning, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.......

(You're going to hate me for this…..)
"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 at Tesco"
(Oh, stop groaning! I don't write this stuff, I just receive it from my
warped friends and then send it on to you!)
It's not a dad joke, as quite a few I post on here aren't, but this does feel like the right thread to plonk this on


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The council had organised a variety show at the local Senior Citizens' Centre.

Claude the Hypnotist took to the stage.

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Each and every one of you and all at the same time." he said. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" he said, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movement of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

Suddenly, the chain broke!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

"S**t!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the lounge...
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next day’s race and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper’s headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper read:

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

The Bishop was buried the next day.