Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive.

Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.

370HSSV-0773H

Putin was baffled, so he emailed the message to Lukashenko, and his aides had no idea either, so they sent it to the KGB. No one could solve it at the KGB either, so a double agent sent it to the CIA, then the NSA.

They also didn't know what it meant.
Finally, the CIA director sent the message to The Australian Military for help. Within a few seconds, they called back with this message:

"Tell that dumb ****** Putin he's holding the message upside down."
 
Just seen Suggs on TV espousing diversity in the workplace and equal rights for all genders, religions and races. Its Madness gone politically correct!

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Patient: "I'm having problems with my hearing."

Doctor: "Can you describe the symptoms?"

Patient: "Homer is a fat guy, and Marge has blue hair."
 
Three men were standing at the gate to Heaven.
God came to the first man and asked him how many times he cheated on his wife. The man said, “Never would I cheat on my wife. I loved her very much.”

God looked at him for a second and said,”You can’t fool me, I’m God! You’ve cheated on her 10 times! As your punishment, you will have to drive this beat-up Prius while you’re in Heaven.”
The man scowled and drove into Heaven.

God went to the second guy and asked him the same question. The second man said, “I never cheated on my wife. I loved her very much”. God looked at him for a second and said, “You can’t fool me, I’m God! You’ve cheated on her 5 times!”
“As your punishment, you will have to drive this junker Honda Civic for eternity.” The man shrugged and drove into Heaven.
God came to the 3rd man and asked him the same question. The third said, “Never! Not once in 45 years of marriage. I loved her very much.”

God looked at him for a second and said, “Ah, yes. You are telling the truth and I can see that you loved her very much. As a reward for your loyalty, you may drive this Ferrari in heaven.” The man, very excited, drove into heaven.

A few weeks later the same three men met up in Heaven. The third man was very upset. The first guy said, “What’s the matter? You’re driving around in that amazing Ferrari while we have these junkers!”
“Yeah,” The third man replied. “But I just saw my wife – and she’s on a bicycle!”
 
A man is on a desert island, been there alone for years. One day he is sat on the beach and out from the sea comes a beautiful woman in a wet suit. He runs to her and says “ thank god. You are the first human I’ve seen in 20 years”. She smiles and says “you poor thing, when was the last time you had a drink?” and she unzips a pocket and pulls out a hip flask of brandy. He takes a sip, a tear fills his eye. “Do you smoke?” she asked. “Well I was thinking of giving up but, if you have one”. And she unzipped a pocket and pulled out a pack and hands them to him. He lights up and a smile spreads across his face. She says “20 years eh? Thats a long time to be alone” and she starts to unzip the front of her wet suit. “How would you like to play around?”. And he said “ Don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there!!!???”
 
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