Dad Jokes - all welcome!

The wife was concerned that last night's Scotland match was going to be abandoned due to the water-logged pitch when they were 1-0 up.

I told her it will be be okay because the 4th Official was well known Hungarian communist, Rudolph Balogh, and he reckoned just 1-hour's delay was needed.

"What's his politics got to do with whether the game will get finished?" she asked.

I replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."
 
A male whale and a female whale saw a fishing boat with a large harpoon.

The male whale recognized the ship as the one that caught his dad a year ago.

He said to the female whale, “Let’s get under the boat and blow air out of our air holes. It might topple the ship.”
They did and it worked, the boat sank.

However, the sailors managed to swim away, almost reaching shore.

The male whale said, “Let’s catch them and eat them up.”

But the female whale replied, “Look, I did the blow job just like you asked, but I really don’t want to swallow the seamen.”
 
I lost my job at the bank the other day.
An old lady asked me to check her balance.....

So i pushed her over
 
A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for £250
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"
Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"
The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse"
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off"
The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!"
Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead"
A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five pounds a piece and made a profit of £2495"
The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five pounds back".
 
A blonde comes home and sees her house is broken in. A big mess, things are missing. She calls the police. The dispatcher calls on the nearest car to respond. The k9 unit is in the neighbourhood and responds. When the policeman gets out of his car with his dog the blonde storms from the house calling: What a day, they broke in to my house and now they send a blind policeman.
 
A man walked into a department store and said to a saleswoman, "I’d like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the woman asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, @A Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember!" said the saleswoman. “We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. most of our customers now l want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra or the Presbyterian type."

Confused as well as a little flustered, the man asked, "What are the differences?"

The saleswoman said, "It's all quite simple:
a Catholic bra supports the masses.

The Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen.

The Presbyterian bra keeps things staunching and upright
 
Ziggy said:
A man walked into a department store and said to a saleswoman, "I’d like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the woman asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, @A Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember!" said the saleswoman. “We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. most of our customers now l want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra or the Presbyterian type."

Confused as well as a little flustered, the man asked, "What are the differences?"

The saleswoman said, "It's all quite simple:
a Catholic bra supports the masses.

The Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen.

The Presbyterian bra keeps things staunching and upright
Click to expand...

So the baptist bra .........................................?

Room to completely immerse your head?
 
A little old lady goes to her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks her if she is having any problems.

“Yes doctor I have a problem. I have to fart a lot. I fart all the time. Fortunately no one can hear them or smell them. In fact I have farted twice just since you came in. I bet you couldn’t hear or smell them, could you.”

The doctor gives her an examination and says to her, “I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral.”

“The over-the-counter medication will help your body produce less gas, the prescription medication will help you recover your sense of smell, and I am giving you a referral to an Audiologist to see if they can help you to hear better.”
 
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