Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After the mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the door that said:

– Sip on the vodka, don’t gulp.

– There are 10 commandments, not 12.

– There are 12 disciples, not 10.

– Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

– Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not “Bet his ass.”

– We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.”

– We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

– The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “Daddy, Junior and the Spook.”

– David slew Goliath, he did not “Kick the crap out of him.”

• When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say that he was “Stoned off his ass.”
 
A dog and a cat were having an argument about which of their respective species was the favorite of humans.

The dog said, “Humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us – the canine. Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiled and said, “You are not going to win this one.”
 
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
 
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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling towards the back of the line. One nun is trying to cut in front of another. St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”

Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her bum in it!”
 
I went into a rural Icelandic cafe well off the beaten track. I asked for the menu and was told that all the options were on the blackboard as “specials”. It was very limited to whale curry, whale and pasta, battered whale with chips, whale pie, or a dish named Vera Lynn, which I ordered only to find out it was whale meat again.
 
A ventriloquist and his dummy were doing there act at a comedy club.. Being a man he started telling jokes about dumb blondes.

After about the fourth or fifth joke a blonde woman in the audience stood up and said “ I strongly object to the jokes you are telling. There is no correlation between hair pigmentation and intelligence. By telling jokes of the sort you are reinforcing an irrational male prejudice which handicaps women like me in our career development and even in our interpersonal relationships.”

The ventriloquist was very much taken aback and said that he was very sorry.

She said “you keep out of this I was talking to the little b****d sitting on your knee.”
 
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

The mechanical engineer says: “It’s a broken starter”

The electrical engineer says: “Dead battery”

The chemical engineer says: “Impurities in the gasoline”

The IT engineer says: “Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in”.
 
I was down the pub the other week when a bloke in a Leeds United shirt came in carrying a little dog. The dog was wearing a little Leeds kit, with a scarf, rosette and little 1970s sock tags. The barman looked at the bloke and said "Sorry, mate, no dogs in here".

"Please, just this once make an exception," replied the bloke. Me and my little dog are massive Leeds fans. We never miss a game. There's a power cut at our house. I promise he won't be any trouble if you let us stay and watch the match."

The barman looks at the little dog in his Leeds kit and says "OK, just this once, but if he upsets any of the other customers you're out of here".

A few minutes into the match, Leeds score. The dog leaps onto the bar and runs down it on two legs high fiving all the customers, much to everyone's amazement.

"I have to say that's pretty impressive" says the barman. "If that's just for a goal, what does he do when Leeds win?"

"Dunno", replies the bloke, "I've only had him for 18 months".
 
Religion is like a movie

The Torah is the first one.

The New Testament is the sequel.

The Qur'an is a reboot of the second — there's still Jesus, but he's not the main character anymore.

* Jews like the first movie, but ignore the sequels.

* Christians like the first two, but the third doesn't count.

* Muslims think the 3rd is best and some will fight anyone who says otherwise.

* Mormons liked the 2nd one so much they started writing fan-fiction that doesn't fit in with ANY of it.
 
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