Dad Jokes - all welcome!

True story:

A young British soldier in UmQasr, Iraq, was being interviewed by a TV crew, who asked him what his experience of the city was like.

His reply?

“Before we came here, the Major said ' It’s a big port city - like Southampton'… but there's no booze, no hookers, and the locals are trying to kill us - it's much more like Portsmouth”
The world's richest man is dying. He's made peace with that. But what bothers him is no one in the afterlife will even know it.

Here he's a self-made man who created this huge fortune from scratch,but he can't take it with him. Not that he could spend it,of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.

He broods over this so that his guardian angel is worried. One night the angel flies to Heaven to consult Jesus. Jesus says “Well, you know earthly wealth has no place here"

The angel replies “I know Lord, but he's been such a good man. Did a lot for charity ,ran his business honestly. He's only human. He can't help having this little quirk. Isn't there something we can do to ease his mind?

Jesus thinks a moment. “”All right. Let's look him up in the Book of Life" The Book is like a film of this man's life and seeing his struggles , Jesus is moved.

He tells the guardian angel “Wake him and tell him I will allow him to bring one suitcase-only one, mind you. And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. At the moment he of his death it will be brought to heaven with him.”

The angel goes down and gives the message .The guy is happy but what should he bring? Our money would mean nothing to people from another time, jewels could be faked, stocks and bonds could not be traded so they'd be so much paper. Finally it dawn's on him . Gold. Gold has been valued throughout history.

He sends out for the biggest suitcase he can find,fills it with gold bars,and sets it beside his bed. Now he can die in peace,and he does.

True to the promise he arrives at the Pearly Gates,suitcase in hand. St.Peter greets him warmly and says “All right. Let's see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss wasn't enough"

The man proudly opens the suitcase, stuffed with row after row of little gold bars.

St. Peter stares at it, puzzled, and says “You brought pavement?”
Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden the driver hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later Trump saw his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Trump.
The driver replied, "All I said was, “I'm President Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig.’”
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman, are marooned on a desert island.

Walking dolefully along the edge of the beach they see a bottle. They pick it up and pull out the cork, out flies a genie. ‘ oh thank you he says, I’ve been in that bottle for 2000 years, I’m rewarding you each with one wish.

The Englishman says, ‘oh thank you old chap, I wishIi was back in Regent Street London, and woosh he’s gone.

The Scotsman says, ‘och i the noo, i wish i was back in Stockihall street in Glasgow’ and woosh he’s gone too.

Finally the genie asks the Irishman, ‘begorra and bejabers,’ he replies, it’ll be lonely here without the other two, i wish they could come back’.
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A week ago my mother in law began reading the Exorcist. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil she couldn’t finish it,took it to the beach & threw it off the pier.
I went & bought another copy, ran it under the tap & I left it on the bedside table in her room!
Italian fella: "When I finish makin aluv toa ma girlfriend I gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy!"

French fella: "Zat iz nothin, when I finish with ze girl I kis her all ze way down her body an lick ze soles of her feet, she floats 12 inches above the bed in ecstasy!"

Englishman: "When I've done riding our lass I wipe me knob on the curtains. She hits the bloody roof!"