Dad Jokes - all welcome!


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A good Catholic boy brings his girlfriend home to meet his mum for the first time.

"So what do you do for a living dear?" asks his mum.

"I'm a prostitute" the girl replies.

His mum immediately faints. After a few moments she comes round and they help her up to the sofa.

"Sorry about that dear" says the mum.

"For a minute there I thought you'd said protestant".


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An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other:

The Indian says to the bartender, "Me want Lager!"

The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.

Five days later, the Indian returns:

He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender:

“Me want beer!"The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that all about anyway?" he asked.

The Indian explained, "Me training for job as politician. Drink beer, shoot the ****, disappear for a few days come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind....."


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A lady goes to a pet shop and asks for a talking parrot.

The salesman tells the lady that he has such a bird. But warns her that as it used to live in a brothel before, it said some dirty things sometimes.

The lady agrees to take the bird home.

Upon entering the lady’s house the parrot says, ‘New madam, new whorehouse’.

After a while the lady’s two young daughters come home. The bird squawks, ‘New whorehouse, new madam and new girls’.

Then the lady’s husband comes home. The bird squeals, ‘New madam, new whorehouse, new girls, but the same customer. Howdy, Jack?’.


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A dumb blond dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

He says, “You lived an exemplary life. I’m proud of you, but before I can let you in, you have to pass a little quiz.”

Being a dumb blond, she groans; but he says, “Don’t worry. I’ll make it easy for you. – Who was the Son of God?”

Well, she thinks, and she thinks, and she thinks, and she thinks, and she thinks, and she thinks, and she thinks, and she thinks, and she thinks; until even St. Peter is getting a little impatient.

She finally says, “Andy?”

St. Peter is intrigued and asks, “Why did you say Andy?”

And she sings, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me…”