Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Bit of confusion in the bedroom department with Mrs Flash last night, I misheard when she said she only wanted sex annually 
Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
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Lefty
Well-known member
Bit of confusion in the bedroom department with Mrs Flash last night, I misheard when she said she only wanted sex annually
Did you show Kamasi Washington out?
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Reminds me of the time she said “turn out the light and you can shove it up my bum”. I should’ve waited for it to cool down reallyBit of confusion in the bedroom department with Mrs Flash last night, I misheard when she said she only wanted sex annually
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Woosh??
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Sorry got there sax not sex - clever
Millbrook
Well-known member
TEACHER: What's wrong Musa, why are you crying?
MUSA: Our house is very small.
MUSA: My mum, my dad, and I, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa are you sleeping?' Then I say NO, so he becomes angry and punishes me.".
Teacher: All right! Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. Don't answer!
The following morning Musa comes back with a sad face again.
Teacher: My goodness, why the sad face again?
Musa: Dad asked me again, Musa are you sleeping? I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same time. Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, are you coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?
Dad answered: Yes.
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too!!
MUSA: Our house is very small.
MUSA: My mum, my dad, and I, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa are you sleeping?' Then I say NO, so he becomes angry and punishes me.".
Teacher: All right! Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. Don't answer!
The following morning Musa comes back with a sad face again.
Teacher: My goodness, why the sad face again?
Musa: Dad asked me again, Musa are you sleeping? I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same time. Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, are you coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?
Dad answered: Yes.
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too!!
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
The mother lode. Ironically enough.
king_hellfire
Well-known member
I couldn’t lever this into the tribute acts thread so I’ll pop it here instead…
I mistakenly went to see Placebo once, thinking they were The Cure.
I mistakenly went to see Placebo once, thinking they were The Cure.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Just found out Grandad’s addicted to Viagra 
No one’s taking it harder than Grandma
No one’s taking it harder than Grandma
ThePrisoner
Well-known member
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
A man finds an old lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.
Genie says "I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your ex-wife will receive two-fold…
The man thinks for a second."Ok. My first wish is for £1,000,000.'
Genie: "Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your ex-wife will receive £2,000,000."
The man replies "That’s fine. My second wish is for a 20,000sq ft mansion in the Lakes."
Genie: "Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your ex-wife will receive a 40,000sq ft mansion in the Lakes."
"That’s fine." Replies the man.
Genie: "Ok. What is your third wish?"
He replies, "I want you to beat me half to death."
Genie says "I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your ex-wife will receive two-fold…
The man thinks for a second."Ok. My first wish is for £1,000,000.'
Genie: "Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your ex-wife will receive £2,000,000."
The man replies "That’s fine. My second wish is for a 20,000sq ft mansion in the Lakes."
Genie: "Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your ex-wife will receive a 40,000sq ft mansion in the Lakes."
"That’s fine." Replies the man.
Genie: "Ok. What is your third wish?"
He replies, "I want you to beat me half to death."
HarryVegas
Well-known member
I'm addicted to ordering hatchets from overseas. It's the smell of them, I just love foreign axe scents.
Norman_Conquest
Well-known member
I went to that new zoo in Redcar yesterday and it only had one animal, a dog.
It was a Shih tzu.
It was a Shih tzu.
festa5
Well-known member
A chicken walked into a library, marched up to the desk and said, “Booook, book, book, booook.”
So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Boooook, book, book, boooook.”
Once again the librarian handed the chicken a book, the chicken accepted it, and then left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken was back again! It marched up to the librarian, threw the book on the desk, then said, “Boooook, book, book, booook.”
The librarian handed the chicken a third book, but this time decided to follow the bird.
She watched the chicken hurry down the street, out of the town and through a forest. Eventually it stopped at a pond, where there was a frog sitting on a lily pad.
The chicken showed the book to the frog, but the frog just shook its head and said,
“Read it, read it, read it, read it"
So, the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk and said, “Boooook, book, book, boooook.”
Once again the librarian handed the chicken a book, the chicken accepted it, and then left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken was back again! It marched up to the librarian, threw the book on the desk, then said, “Boooook, book, book, booook.”
The librarian handed the chicken a third book, but this time decided to follow the bird.
She watched the chicken hurry down the street, out of the town and through a forest. Eventually it stopped at a pond, where there was a frog sitting on a lily pad.
The chicken showed the book to the frog, but the frog just shook its head and said,
“Read it, read it, read it, read it"
Carlos Fandango
Well-known member
It was George the Postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant Full Monty breakfast. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the fiver for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'
The breakfast was my idea...."
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant Full Monty breakfast. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the fiver for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'
The breakfast was my idea...."
Norman_Conquest
Well-known member
I lost both my parents when I was 12...
What a game of cards that was.
What a game of cards that was.