Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[asredastheycome]

 

[asredastheycome]

 

[Powerage]

Rumours of a food shortage at the annual spoonerism awards turned out to be a lack of pies.

 

[HarryVegas]

Went to my local Aldi this morning and bought a Humpty Dumpty toy.

It came with Aldi king's horses and Aldi king's men.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

Just bought a new first aid kit…

Thought I'd treat myself.

 

[Lefty]

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

 

[Lefty]

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

 

[Lefty]

I’ve been thrown out of the Arctic Circle for revealing secrets about the Arctic.

 

[rkangel]

What's a wombat for?

Playing Wom.

 

[Liamo]

This bloke with a quite stuffy, affected voice rang me up the other night. He started blathering on about, “I’m the dandy highwayman that you’re too scared to mention, I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention.”

I tried to tell him he had the wrong number but he was adamant.

 

[SmallTown]

To the bloke who stole my trainers and hi vis jacket: you can run, but you can't hide

 

[Lefty]

My brother in law has just been sacked for theft from his roadworks job.

I didn’t believe it, but I popped round to see him and the signs were all there.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

My brother has decided to sell his DeLorean…

He says he only drives it from time to time.

 

[Lefty]

My brother has decided to sell his DeLorean…

He says he only drives it from time to time.

He should swap it for the new half person half car version Disney are doing.

 

[Lefty]

He should swap it for the new half person half car version Disney are doing.

It's a Man-DeLorean

 

[r00fie1]

Bloke gets no sexual satisfaction his marriage and says to his partner "why dont you let me know when you orgasm"?
Partner replies: "I dont like phoning you at work"!

 

[BimboBaggins]

Why has there been no women astronauts on the Moon?


It doesn't need cleaning yet...................

Ill get my coat and wait for the backlash

 

[Laughing]

Bloke gets no sexual satisfaction his marriage and says to his partner "why dont you let me know when you orgasm"?
Partner replies: "I dont like phoning you at work"!

That's not really a joke is it roofie

 

[HarryVegas]

The Beach Boys walk into a bar ...

"Round ...?"
"Round."
"Get a round ...?"
"I'll get a round."

 

[Marineboysmoggy]

A Geordie walks into a hairdressers and asks for a Perm, the stylist says

"I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze."




"

Another Geordie walks into the bakers.
Assistant said " how can I help? .would you like a cream cake or a meringue?
Geordie said" I will have a cream cake.. and your right"