Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Tristan Wayne, a gay cowboy walks into a bar in Dead Wood Gulch.

Tristan (in high voice): “Cowboys, Cowboys, where are you boys? I love you. Give Tristan a cuddle”.

He looks round the bar but it is empty.

Tristan to bartender: ”Where’s all the cowboys Duck? I want to play with them”.

Bartender: “They’re up on Lynch Hill, hanging a gay man”.

Tristan (in deep voice): “Well, a think I’ll just mosey on along…”.
 
A woman has been in a coma for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried again, and noticed a sizeable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what had happened, telling him, "As inappropriate as this sounds, it may be that a little gentle oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few moments later, the woman's monitor flat-lined - no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened?"! they cried.



The husband said, "I'm not sure. Maybe she choked."
 
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
 
"My wife nearly fell over when she read the final demand"

"Balance in arrears?"

"Yes, it's Labyrinthitis I think"
 
An elderly man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually,
the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion:

Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:


"THAT'S how you wave a towel, Sonny!
 
Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame was going on holiday for a couple of weeks and got his nephew to cover for him. However the nephew was not very bright so the Hunchback had to explain what to do. “It’s quite simple”, he said, “all you have to do is push the bell and as it swings back, sway back yourself and then push again. So,it’s push, sway, push sway. Easy peasy.” “Got that,no problem.” said the nephew. So Quasi goes on his hols.
Next day the nephew is doing the bells but gets his timing wrong and instead of swaying back he stays still and the big bell whacks him right in the puss and pushes him out of the tower where he lands in a crumpled heap in the square. It just so happens the Lord Mayor of Paris is walking past. He sees the crumpled heap and asks if anyone knows who it is. A voice shouted out that he didn’t but his face rings a bell !!!!!!!
 
Two scousers on holiday in Amsterdam go into a brothel and say to the madam
”Have you got an owld ginger bird with manky teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a knackered old leather bus seat?”
The madam says “god you two are kinky”
they reply “no,no, we’re looking for our mam!” 😂😂
 
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