Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Paddy and Mick were talking in the pub.

Paddy : “I’ll have to sell me car, it’s knackered, done 314,000 miles, been a great car but I’ll have to let it go”.

Mick: “OK, I know a lad, he’ll get it ready for you to sell. Does a good clean of it, inside and out, will check the engine etc”.

Two week later they met again in the pub.

Mick: “Hiya Paddy, how did it go? Did you sell yer car?

Paddy: “No, It looks really nice now and it’s only done 14,000 miles so I’ve decided to keep it”.
Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man ordered one burger, fries and a drink. He unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries dividing them into two piles placing one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then put the cup in between them. As he began to eat his few bites of burger the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously thinking ‘That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal between them.' 😔

A young lad came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the couple. The old bloke said “We are just fine, just used to sharing everything” 🥰

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young lad came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old lady said 'No thank you love, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old fella finished wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young lad again went over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' 🤷‍♂️

She answered

In the good old days of steam trains, at stations there used to be a big magnificent manual set of scales which would tell you your weight and also tell your future for an old penny ! All on a card. So one day this bloke had a few minutes before his train, jumped on the scales and the card came out and stated that he was thirteen stones and six pounds. It also stated that when he stood off the scales he would wee himself down his left leg. The bloke laughed stood off the scales and immediately wet himself. Bloody hell, he thought I’ll have to try this again. He gets back on the scales puts his penny in and the card comes out. You are thirteen stones and six pounds. When you get off these scales you will massively break wind!
Once again this is exactly what happened. Absolutely amazed the bloke decided to stand on the scales again. He put his penny in and the card came out. The card stated that he was thirteen stones and six pounds and because you have been ******* and farting about so much you have now missed your train!!!
A vicar had been drawn against a stranger at the local golf club championship.
At the 1st green the stranger missed a 6 inch putt. So angry he lost his rag and jumped up and down,swearing profusely. The vicar taken was aback at the language and asked him not use that type of language otherwise the heavens would open and a mighty fireball would come down and smite him from the face of the earth! The stranger told the vicar to b***r off. Every hole it was the same story, easy putt missed, stranger jumping up and down screaming missed again and swearing his head off with the vicar reminding him of the consequences. Eventually it was the 18th green. Putt missed, stranger ranting and raving screaming effing hell missed Alain,when the heavens opened and a mighty fireball came down and smote the vicar from the face of the earth. And a voice from above went “ bloody hell missed again! “