Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Marineboysmoggy said:
Another Geordie walks into the bakers.
Assistant said " how can I help? .would you like a cream cake or a meringue?
Geordie said" I will have a cream cake.. and your right"
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Geordie has a small Lottery win and goes down to London for a holiday. He goes to see the Houses of Parliament but parks his old banger in the Lord Mayors parking place. Next thing the Mayor turns up see Geordies car parked and tells his chauffeur to tell him to move it. After 10 minutes of much arm waving the chauffeur returns and tells the Mayor that the chappie will not move his car. However he says he got Geordies solicitor ,” Haddaway and Sh*teman!”
 
Jollyroger said:
Geordie has a small Lottery win and goes down to London for a holiday. He goes to see the Houses of Parliament but parks his old banger in the Lord Mayors parking place. Next thing the Mayor turns up see Geordies car parked and tells his chauffeur to tell him to move it. After 10 minutes of much arm waving the chauffeur returns and tells the Mayor that the chappie will not move his car. However he says he got Geordies solicitor ,” Haddaway and Sh*teman!”
Click to expand...

Hadaway & Hadaway Solicitors - Newcastle Law Society

www.newcastlelawsociety.co.uk www.newcastlelawsociety.co.uk
 
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little shoite"
 
Geordie goes down south to try to find work. For a reason known only to the joke writer he ends up in leafy Surrey and decides to go door to door looking for odd handyman jobs. First house he cuts the lawn, second house he repairs the fence. Next house he goes up to the door knocks and asks if the owner has any jobs he can do "cash in hand like"?

"Well young man, I have been meaning to white wash the front fence can you do that for me?"

"Wye aye man!" says Geordie. An hour or two later he knocks to tell the guy he has finished, "wee there's still half of the whitewash left like!"

"Oh , very good can you go round the back of the house and paint the porch please"

"Aye nae botha!" off Geordie trots but a moment later he pops his head round the corner, "are ye sure, it doesn't look like it needs paintin' to me like?"

"Yes please" so, off he trots and comes back an hour later

"All done marra, but that's not a porch, that's a Ferrari that is!"
 
A teacher asked her class of 9 year olds the names for groups of animals.
Straight away little Jonnie is up, hand in air shouting “miss ,miss I know one”.
The teacher ignores Jonnie as she knows what sort of answer she’ll get and asks Mary. “ A flock of sheep, miss”. “Brilliant Mary, next Peter,” “A herd of cows,miss.” “Very good Peter. Next Terence any idea?” “ A pride of lions miss.” “That’s excellent Terence. George?” “A pod of dolphins , miss.” “Fantastic answer George.” All the time Jonnie is jumping up and down trying to be chosen for his answer until eventually there is no one left with an answer. So reluctantly the teacher says , “ok Jonnie let’s hear it.!” Jonnie proudly stands up and says , “A dose of crabs, miss ,!”
.
 
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