Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A few years ago whilst ordering a takeaway on my mobile, my uncle said to me “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” we had a bit of a disagreement but he soon realised I was right when I unplugged his life support machine.
 
A woman goes to the gynecologist for an examination. She gets up on the examination table and puts her feet in the stirrups in position and ready to be examined.

The doctor looks between her legs and says "My, what a large vagina", "My, what a large vagina", "My, what a large vagina"

The woman says "How many times must you say that?"

The doctor replies, "I only said it once!"
 
A woman goes to the gynecologist for an examination. She gets up on the examination table and puts her feet in the stirrups in position and ready to be examined.

The doctor looks between her legs and says "My, what a large vagina", "My, what a large vagina", "My, what a large vagina"

The woman says "How many times must you say that?"

The doctor replies, "I only said it once!"
Wife came back from the gynaecologist with a big smile on her face .
Apparently he gave her the thumbs up .
 
Old Dave Allen joke

Two British soldier in the desert in WW2 a colonel and his batman, after wandering for days they find themselves in sight of the river Nile.

"Batman" cries the colonel, "go fetch me some water from the river!"

Off scuttles the lad and returns a few minutes later

"Sir, sir, I cannot get near the river"

"Why ever not man?"

"It's the crocodiles sir" says the lad "hundreds of the them, all with HUGE teeth snapping away sir! Snapping away!"

"Harumph" grunts the colonel, "don't be soft man, those crocodiles are more frightened of you than you are of them!"

"In that case sir, I have to tell you that the water is not fit for drinking"
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 
Be careful of a new scam which will empty your bank account quicker than a Nigerian Prince. It starts off quite innocently, 'Have a smart meter fitted...
 
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there's a guy on the dance floor giving it large break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going.

The wife turns to her husband and says...
"See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

The husband replies, "It looks like he's still celebrating."
 
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