Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Chris Wilder, Ralf Rangnick, Brendan Rodgers and Mikel Arteta entered a pub. Chris bought them all a drink. Once they had finished, Rangnick got a round in. Then Arteta put his hand in his pocket. Then Brendan Rodgers got the beers in.

Once they'd all consumed 4 beers, Wilder went to the bar, bought a drink for himself only, and sat at the table. They all looked at him before Rangnick said "Excuse me Chris. What about us?"

Wilder looked at them and said, "Sorry lads. This is the fifth round and none of you are in it."
 
Mary is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.

She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts crying.

One of the attendants rushes over to comfort her.

Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.

The next day Mary returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Mary manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant, How did you manage to get that beautiful blue suit ?

Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit.

Incredibly, his wife was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit the attendant replied.

He explained that after that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around.
 
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
 
A man sends a text to his nieghbour:
John I am so ashamed but for the last 6 months I have been piggy backing your wife. The temptation was far to great and I could not stop, in honesty I think you would do the same. I promise I will avoid the temptation in the future. I hope we can still be friends: Dave
Suddenly there was a shot fired from next door.
Dave looked at the text, oh shoite WIFE-WIFE I meant WIFI, bluddy predictive text.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top