Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A shepherd is traveling with his large flock in remote hills. He sees a black SUV coming from afar. The SUV pulls up and a man in a suit gets out. He comes up to him and says: if I tell you the exact number of your sheep, will I get one? The shepherd frowns, but then nods. The man goes to his SUV and pulls out a laptop. He retrieves satellite images of the area; uses AI to determine the number of sheep on the pictures and says 10 minutes later: you have 1302 sheep! The shepherd nods again. The man loads an animal into his SUV. Then the shepherd says: if I guess your profession, will I get my animal back? The man in the suit says: okay.

You are a business consultant. says the shepherd.

The man in the suit's jaw drops: how did you guess?

The shepherd says:
That wasn't difficult:

1. You show up here uninvited.

2. You expect to be paid for telling me what I already know and answering questions I didn't ask.

3. You don't have the slightest idea about my job.

And now give me back my dog.
 
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must work in IT,” said the balloonist.

“I do,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my bloody fault!”
 
This is Thailand famous joke.
One of Thai Movies "The Holy Man" ("หลวงพี่เท่ง") trailer.
Thanks to Google translate again.

Skydiving

A small plane soared into the sky. Inside the plane was a pilot and four passengers, including a politician, a businessman, a monk, and a boy scout.
A politician saw four skydiving suits hanging and asked the pilot how to use them.
The pilot said, “Very easy, sir. Just put the suit on your back and jump. exit the machine When the specified height is reached The umbrella will open automatically."
The politician asked, “Oh, there are only 4 sets of umbrellas. But there were 5 people on the plane."
The pilot replied in a loud voice: "If the plane really has a problem I will sacrifice myself.”Keep flying for a moment.
The plane shook so violently that the passengers' bags and A hanging skydiving suit falls. The pilot rushed out of the cockpit.
Then he picked up the skydiving suit and put it on his back and opened the plane door.
Then turned and said The plane was going to crash in 10 minutes and jumped out.
After recovering from shock The politician quickly picked up a skydiving suit and put it on his back and ran to the plane door.
Then he turned and said to the rest, "I have a mission to do for the nation. Please go first," and jumped out.
The businessman saw it that way. So he quickly picked up his skydiving suit and put it on his back and ran to the door of the plane.
Then turned and said “I have a mission to do for the national economy. Please go first." and jumped out.
The monk stood up and looked at the scout and said, “Son, take the skydiving kit and use it. I'm old. It doesn't matter if I die."
The scout smiled calmly and said to the monk, “Don't worry, Father. We both survived because of those who jumped first. There was one person who took my scout backpack."
 
A guy is out playing golf and slices his ball off into the adjacent woods. As he’s looking for it he comes across a little man with a lump on his head next to his ball. Concerned, he takes out his water bottle and shakes some on the fellow who wakes and sputters’ “Ah begorra, you’ve gone and caught me now. I’m a leprechaun tradition require that I grant you 3 wishes!”

The guy replies that that’s quite alright, he’s just glad the little fellow is OK and plays on out of the woods. The leprechaun sits on a stump and says to himself, “Tradition is tradition, so I’ll give him the 3 wishes I think he’d want. First, he’s a golfer, so he’ll play the best golf he’s ever played from now on. Second, everyone wants money so from now on whenever he needs some it will be in his pocket. And third, let’s see … ah yes, sex. From now on he’ll have the best sex of his life!”

A year goes by and the guy is on the same course and again slices into the woods where he finds the little man. After exchanging greetings, the leprechaun asks about the man’s golf and is told that it’s fantastic, he’s never played so well. The leprechaun tells him that it was the first wish he granted for him. He then asks about the man’s finances and is told that it’s amazing how he always has the right mount for coffee or a car, whatever, in his pocket. The leprechaun tells him that that was the second wish he grated him. Then the leprechaun asks about the man’s sex life and the man turns red, stammers and says “Once or sometimes twice in a week”. The leprechaun explodes and says “What, only once or twice a week?” The man replies, “Well for a priest from a small parish, that’s pretty good.”
 
Police stopped a 24 yr old male driver in Liverpool. After extensive checks lasting 40 minutes, his vehicle was found to be taxed, Insured, MOT’d, he had a full licence with no points. After a thorough search they found no drugs, weapons, stolen goods or alcohol, he tested negative after a drugs wipe and had no alcohol in his system. Magistrates found him guilty and was fined £350 for wasting Police time.
 
A rabbit was captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments.

There he befriended a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab.

One day he noticed the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decided to make a break for it, so he told the lab rabbit how great it was on the outside and convinced him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit took the lab rabbit to a field of lettuce and the two munched on lettuce to their hearts' content.

The wild rabbit then said "Let me take you to an even better field" and head headed to a field of carrots where they munched contentedly for a while.

Then wild rabbit said, “Now let me take you to the best field of all" and took lab rabbit to a field full of female rabbits.

The rabbits entered the field and (you know what they say about rabbits) proceeded to have sex all night long.

At dawn the rabbits were exhausted and content.

Then lab rabbit announced, “Well, I'm heading back to the lab.”

Wild rabbit said "Why? I showed you the field of lettuce, the field of carrots and the field where you can have as much sex as you want!"

Lab rabbit said, “Yeah, that was all great, but I'm dying for a cigarette.”
 
Trump is having tea with HM Queen Elizabeth.

Trump: I think I’d like my country to be a Kingdom.

HM the Q: Well, you’d have to be a King to do that, and you are not one.

Trump: Well, an Empire, then.

HM the Q: Again, not possible, because you are not an Emperor.

Trump: Well, how about a Principality?

HM the Q: Well, the same problem. You are not a Prince. I’m afraid The US will have to remain a country.
 
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