Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
sambaDTR
Well-known member
That joke works in Hartlepool!
youallloveit
Active member
My mate was working on a headstone in the cemetery the other day, when I noticed he had mispelt the deceased's surname.
'Oh no' he commented, ' I have made a grave mistake'
'Oh no' he commented, ' I have made a grave mistake'
Millbrook
Well-known member
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions...
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Range Rover when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in the shop who was waiting for the service manager to take a look
at her Mercedes.
As she was waiting the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Range Rover. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked:
So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running."
at her Mercedes.
As she was waiting the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Range Rover. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked:
So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running."
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
This bloke come up to me and said “do you know where I can get a toupee?”
I said “not off the top of my head”
I said “not off the top of my head”
Unravel_Morrison
Well-known member
Apparently getting mythology wrong is my Hercules' thigh.
Millbrook
Well-known member
Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some
sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too
late and we're all gonna die."
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some
sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too
late and we're all gonna die."
HarryVegas
Well-known member
I've just been to the launderette and had to pay £30 to a taxi firm to travel only a couple of miles there and back. Can't help feeling like I've been taken to the cleaners.
sweet_left_foot
Well-known member
Amazon are selling gents wigs for a quid.This bloke come up to me and said “do you know where I can get a toupee?”
I said “not off the top of my head”
I thought, that's a small price toupee
sweet_left_foot
Well-known member
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never had a lentil on my face
I've never had a lentil on my face
dooderooni
Well-known member
I got sacked from my job as a chef today because I was caught stealing kitchen equipment.
C'est la vie, it was a whisk worth taking
C'est la vie, it was a whisk worth taking
Millbrook
Well-known member
A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the airbase and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he’s leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not only reprimanded but also punished.”
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, “Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump **** from your aircraft.
Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”
So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the airbase and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he’s leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not only reprimanded but also punished.”
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, “Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force. I’ve been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump **** from your aircraft.
Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”