Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Muttley

Well-known member
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath... He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.
 
Bloke walks into a bar carrying a dead tiger over his shoulder, & drops it on the floor. The barman, said you can’t leave that lying there. the bloke says, it’s not a lion, it’s a tiger.
 

swordtrombonefish

Well-known member
A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel.. The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk. The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate.

At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager. The manager showed up and explained that the hotel "has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," the old woman said. "Well, they are here, and you could have," he replied.

The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," he said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. The manager replied, "Well, we have them, and you could have."
Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, "But I didn't use it!" The manager then countered with his standard reaction.

After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay. The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00," he said. "That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," the old lady replied. "But I didn't!" the manager shouted. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
 

Carlos Fandango

Well-known member
A woman is cleaning her teenage son's bedroom.
As she's changing the sheets, she finds a hoard of porn and fetish magazines about masochism. She completely freaks out and calls her husband for advice on how to handle the situation.

"Well," he says, "I don't know the best way to handle it, but for gods sake, don't spank him."
 

Muttley

Well-known member
A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman ‘got any grapes?’
‘No, sorry’

Next day, he's back. ‘Got any grapes?’
‘Nope’

Third day, same thing. Batman says ‘look you irritating little tawt if you ask me that once more, I’ll nail your beak to the bar’

Next day duck arrives. ‘Got any nails?’
Confused, barman says ‘no!’
‘Got any grapes?’
 

WindyNook

Well-known member
A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman ‘got any grapes?’
‘No, sorry’

Next day, he's back. ‘Got any grapes?’
‘Nope’

Third day, same thing. Batman says ‘look you irritating little tawt if you ask me that once more, I’ll nail your beak to the bar’

Next day duck arrives. ‘Got any nails?’
Confused, barman says ‘no!’
‘Got any grapes?’

My grandkids used to love it
 
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