Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Shock news from the world of football today: the Manager of Liverpool FC has announced his resignation. He says that this weekend's game will be his last in charge and is returning with his family to the family homestead in Germany.

Yes, the Klopps go back this weekend.
 
It is the Final of the “Insect Cup” between the “Ants” and the “Earwigs” in front of a full house at “Crawley“ Football Ground. Due to the fact that Football is so popular in the insect world, the teams consist of 26 a side, rather than 11, so have letters A to Z on their shirts rather than numbers. With the score 3:3 the Earwigs get a penalty in the final minute of the game. Letter O earwig, Eric, scuttles up to take the kick. He slams it into the roof of the net. The fans go wild singing “Earwig O, Earwig O, Earwig O…”.
 
A Russian soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”

The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added “I hope I'm not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls too. I don't want to go to Ukraine either.”
 
A man walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his tackle in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered

The man stood up again and made another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........


"I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
 
A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!"
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, I married his widow."
 
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