Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Elon Musk tweeted he wants to buy Man Utd.

Tesla cars have been getting a lot of stick lately.

Breaking down, Not working, Not going a long distance and over-priced, the United players have had a lot of stick also.
 
The world's leading expert on Vespula germanica walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week and is said to be the best recording of European wasps ever collected!”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and confirms that it is indeed the correct recording, European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. "Let's try the next track," the assistant says, and moves te needle.

Again the expert listens for a moment and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! No specimen of Vespula germanica or any wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I'm the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is simply no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
 
I was at a large shopping mall with my niece.

They had entertainment, and she wanted to go on the bouncy castle.

I asked the bloke how much a go.

"£3" he said.

"£3!?, it was only £2 last year" I replied.

He just shrugged and said "price of inflation mate".
Topical and funny! I like it
 
The world's leading expert on Vespula germanica walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week and is said to be the best recording of European wasps ever collected!”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and confirms that it is indeed the correct recording, European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. "Let's try the next track," the assistant says, and moves te needle.

Again the expert listens for a moment and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! No specimen of Vespula germanica or any wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I'm the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is simply no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
I love these type of jokes, up there with Orange for a head and the moth who goes to see a podiatrist
 
I love these type of jokes, up there with Orange for a head and the moth who goes to see a podiatrist
The orange head joke deserves posting.

A man walks into a bar and he looks around and sees only himself, the barman, and one man sitting at the far end of the bar. The other man strikes him as strange; he's got a huge, almost bulbous orange head. He's also looking very morose indeed, staring vacantly into his scotch depressingly.

The man approaches the barman and says "Hey, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?", to which the barman replies "Buy him a drink and he'll tell you his story". So he does, and he sits beside the man with the big orange head and he starts telling his story.

"One day", he says, "I was walking along the beach and I found this ornate lamp. Rubbing it with my sleeve, out emerged a genie. The genie boomed "You have freed me from my infernal restraints, I shall grand you three wishes".

"So first off, I said "I'd like to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world", and sure enough the waves by the shore parted, and out walked this stunning blonde with a diamond the size of a football on her finger. Secondly, I requested "I want to never have any lack of money in my life", and pulling out my wallet, saw that it was bursting with money. Any attempt at removing a twenty resulted in it being magically replaced seconds later."

At this point, the man is confused: "I didn't understand, this seems like a good situation to be in: beautiful wife, rich as kings, why are you so down in the dumps?"

"Ah",he replied, "This is where things took a turn for the worst. "For my next wish", I said, "Can I have a big orange head?""
 
The orange head joke deserves posting.

A man walks into a bar and he looks around and sees only himself, the barman, and one man sitting at the far end of the bar. The other man strikes him as strange; he's got a huge, almost bulbous orange head. He's also looking very morose indeed, staring vacantly into his scotch depressingly.

The man approaches the barman and says "Hey, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?", to which the barman replies "Buy him a drink and he'll tell you his story". So he does, and he sits beside the man with the big orange head and he starts telling his story.

"One day", he says, "I was walking along the beach and I found this ornate lamp. Rubbing it with my sleeve, out emerged a genie. The genie boomed "You have freed me from my infernal restraints, I shall grand you three wishes".

"So first off, I said "I'd like to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world", and sure enough the waves by the shore parted, and out walked this stunning blonde with a diamond the size of a football on her finger. Secondly, I requested "I want to never have any lack of money in my life", and pulling out my wallet, saw that it was bursting with money. Any attempt at removing a twenty resulted in it being magically replaced seconds later."

At this point, the man is confused: "I didn't understand, this seems like a good situation to be in: beautiful wife, rich as kings, why are you so down in the dumps?"

"Ah",he replied, "This is where things took a turn for the worst. "For my next wish", I said, "Can I have a big orange head?""
And the moth one for completion

A moth goes to the dentist

"Come in," says the dentist, "What's the problem?" The moth drops down into the chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrel in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I'm judgmental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease." The dentist stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I'm a dentist. You need a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here?" The moth says, “Your light was on."

 
A mate of mine, poor bloke, has a pronounced stutter. He was telling us the other day that his nana had passed away, by the time he’d finished we were all singing ‘hey Jude’.
 
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