Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Carlos Fandango

Well-known member
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the indicators on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the car park, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said Paddy , truly proud of himself, 'because tonight, I'm the designated decoy!'
 

asredastheycome

Well-known member
Frankie Boyle on ‘The last Leg’ when asked about race for new PM:

“It’s like tunnelling out of R Kelly’s house and finding yourself in Prince Andrew’s basement”
 

swordtrombonefish

Well-known member
A man goes into a beachfront bar carrying a bag. He put the bag on the bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives the guy a beer then notices the bag is moving, and says "I'm sorry, we can't have animals in here." The man says "Oh, it's not an animal, hang on this will blow your mind."

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and puts it on the bar. He then pulls out a little piano stool and places it in front of the piano. He then reaches into the bag and pulls out a man about a foot tall dressed in a tuxedo who bows and sits at the piano and starts playing Mozart.

The barkeeper is stunned and says "Is... is that magic? Witchcraft? What the hell?!" The man says "No, I was out on the beach and I found an old bottle, when rubbed the sand off a genie appeared and gave me a wish." The bartender says "Can I use the bottle also?" The man shrugs and says "Sure, I've used my wish." He pulls an old bottle out of the bag and hands it over. The bartender grabs the bottle and rubs it and sure enough, a genie appears and says "I will grant you one wish." The bartender says "I want a million bucks!"

The next thing you know the bar is full of ducks, floor to ceiling and spilling out the door, the customers are screaming and trying to run away, and the genie disappears. The bartender screams at the man "WTF, I said bucks?!?"

The man said "Yeah, did you think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
 
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VladKinder

Active member
I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize".

"That's Fantastic!" I called out in delight.

"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Geography Question."

"Well, I've got a degree in Geography from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught Geography to A-level students for the last 20 years"

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Sunderland Game at The Stadium of Light and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France

"Preston", I replied.
 

Cardiffdaffs

Well-known member
I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That's fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a geography question."
"Well, I've got a degree in geography from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught geography to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Sunderland game and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France?"
"Bradford", I replied.
 

Muttley

Well-known member
I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That's fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a geography question."
"Well, I've got a degree in geography from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught geography to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Sunderland game and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France?"
"Bradford", I replied.
Nah, it's Preston mate.
 
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