Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[Corco65]

 

[Holgatewall]

I bought the wife a brand new Dyson for our anniversary.

They reckon I should be out of intensive care on Saturday

 

[Lefty]

I bought the wife a brand new Dyson for our anniversary.

They reckon I should be out of intensive care on Saturday

Remainer, is she?

 

[Carlos Fandango]

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?
Chicken Ceaser Salad.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

My mate bought a signed photo of Ronnie Barker and I bought one of Ronnie Corbett, both for 50p...
So it was a good buy for me and a good buy for him.

 

[Oooo]

omg, just read through all of these and all I can say is oh deary deary me ! But keep em coming

 

[lostinyorkshire]

I had a strange day today. First i found a hat full of money on the floor then this guy with a guitar started chasing me!

 

[Carlos Fandango]

I said to the greengrocer, “Can I have six onions?”
He replied, “I’ve only got five onions and that shallot.”

 

[Carlos Fandango]

Just heard a man had collapsed on the London Eye.
Paramedics say he's slowly coming round.

 

[SalfordBoro]

I divorced my 1st wife, as she was obsessed with counting. I wonder what she is up to now?

 

[Lefty]

Who made King Arthurs round table?

Sir Cumference.

 

[Cardiffdaffs]

The guy who makes the giant chocolate eclairs in my local bakery died yesterday. Whoever takes his place has very large chouxs to fill.

 

[Lefty]

Doctor : Does your daughter always stutter like that?

Mum : No, only when she wants to say something.

 

[WindyNook]

Rock Ashley paradox
When will he give you a DVD of the film Up?

 

[Corco65]

I've just put my two glove puppets up for sale.
One buyer has said he'll take them both off my hands for £10.

 

[Carlos Fandango]

Breaking news:
Cadbury’s have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England.
It’s a massive Boost for the economy.

 

[Lefty]

Man bursts into the surgery, runs straight through the waiting room, right up to the Doctor and says

'Doctor, I've just swallowed a billiard ball. What should I do?'

The Doctor says 'Get to the end of the cue!'

 

[Juninho10]

How much does a hipster weigh?
An instagram

 

[Lefty]

Rock Ashley paradox
When will he give you a DVD of the film Up?

I've tried, but I don't get this?

 

[rkangel]

I've tried, but I don't get this?

Neither did I till I accidentally misread it.