Dad Jokes - all welcome!


Well-known member
It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.

"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistible to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda messed up -- I asked for an orange for a head."


Well-known member
A moth goes to the doctor one night. They sit down in an examination room and the moth says "Doc, you gotta help me. I just can't sleep at night."
"You're having trouble falling asleep?" asks the doctor.
"Not just that. I can't sleep at all. I was hoping you'd be able to give me something.
"We'll see," says the doctor. "How long has this been going on?"
"For weeks," says the moth. "I've been having nightmares. When I was in the war I saw the most horrible things. Burning bodies. Dead children. Friends fried right in front of me. It was just terrible, doc. Every night I see their faces staring back at me. And then I feel it."
"Feel what?"
"The pain," says the moth. "I could've done something, but I didn't. And every night it haunts me and never leaves. I wake up screaming, doc. Screaming! My wife can't take it anymore. At first she would hold me close and tell me everything was alright. But now, now she sleeps in another room. She says she just can't do this anymore. Says it's going to hurt the kids. she's going to leave me, doc! I lie awake a lone every night and I see that bug zapper on the house next door, and I think how wonderful it would be if I could just...just end it all." The moth is sobbing at this point. "I can't live like this anymore. I want to sleep! I want my wife back! I want my kids! I WANT TO BE FREE!!!! HELP ME DOC! DO SOMETHING FOR ME PLEASE!!!!!!!"
As the moth rolls onto the floor wailing uncontrollably the doctor says "Moth, that is terrible! This is a very serious problem. You don't need sleep medicine, you need to see a psychologist! You need help! I'm sorry but I'm just not proficient in that field! Why did you come here of all places so late night anyway?!"
"Your light was on." Says the moth sniffing


Active member
At the reading of Fred Smith’s last Will and Testament this day Friday July 31st 2020.

“I leave all my Earthly possessions to my only son and heir... 256,000 toilet rolls”.