Dad Jokes - all welcome!

[davidmills]

I used to be addicted to the Okey Cokey
But I'm alright now.
I've turned myself around.
And that's what it's all about

 

[davidmills]

Man takes his Jack Russell on the London Underground to learn how to play the Trumpet.
It took 20 minutes to get from Barking to Tooting.

 

[WeeGord]

I was mugged by six dwarves today! Not Happy!

 

[WeeGord]

I’ve just quit my job at the helium factory... I won’t be spoken to in that tone!

 

[FatCat]

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!

 

[London_Boro]

Ha is this your own addition or has someone given me a duff version?

Nah, just a different version I read somewhere recently.

 

[atypical_boro]

Nah, just a different version I read somewhere recently.

Its a good version tbf. I may use.

 

[Doom_On_Horseback]

What's blue and not very heavy?



Light blue.

 

[TheBoroBuzzard]

I went to the zoo the other day, and when I got there all they had was one dog...it was $hit-zoo

 

[FatCat]

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.

 

[coluka]

I went into town with my son last weekend and we wandered into Waterstones. He asked “Will you buy me a book mark” I couldn’t help but cry. He is 10 years old and still doesn’t know my name is Geoff

I confided in a friend about being diagnosed with claustrophobia and aquaphobia. He told me to cheer up for goodness sake, it could be worse, at least you’re not trapped underground in a hole full of water. I know he meant well

 

[borolad259]

A cowboy ties his horse up outside the saloon, lifts its tail and kisses its ****.
"What did you do that for"? asked the bar tender.
"I've got chapped lips" said the cowboy.
"Does that cure them"?
"Nope. But it stops me lickin 'em".

 

[FatCat]

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

You’re Britoshwhen you go into the bathroom, and you’re British when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.

 

[Adi_Dem]

Two cats are about to have a swimming race. One cat is called ‘One Two Three’ and the other is called ‘Un Deux Trois’.

Which cat won the race?

One Two Three of course.

Un Deux Trois cat sank.

 

[FabioPorkpie]

My mate has got two left feet. He went to the shoe shop the other day and came out with a pair of flip flips.

 

[skazza]

I don't know what the best thing is about Switzerland, but the flag is a big plus.

 

[skazza]

Barman says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve time travellers here"

A time traveller walks into a bar.

 

[spanishman]

Knock Knock. Who's there? Amos. Amos who? A mosquito.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Ann. Ann who? Another mosquito.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Eve. Eve who? Even another mosquito.

 

[Man_On]

Knock Knock. Who's there? Amos. Amos who? A mosquito.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Ann. Ann who? Another mosquito.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Eve. Eve who? Even another mosquito.

Eh?

 

[spanishman]

A more adult one.

What do you call a blind Bambi? No idea.
What do you call a blind Bambi with no legs? Still no idea.
What do you call a blind Bambi with no legs having sex? Still no effing idea.