Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A man says to his wife, get ready, me, you and the dog are going
fishing.

I hate fishing she says i don't want to go.

So he gives her 3 options, go fishing, give him a bj or take it up the harris.

She picks a bj and after a few minutes sucking it she says to him,
your c**k tastes like s*!t.

He said, i know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either…… 😂😂
 
A man has just moved into the area and decides to try out the local pub. Sitting at the bar he sees this guy in the corner. Ugly. Really ugly. he feels sorry for the guy because he has a really unfortunate handicap. But later, he sees the ugly guy leaving with this gorgeous blonde. Over the next few days, same thing. Ugly guy leaves with lovely women. He finally asks the barman,

“Hey, do you see that ugly guy over there?”

“Yes, he’s a regular”

“How does he get to leave with all those women? He’s ugly enough to peel paint off the wall?

“Dunno. He just sits there all night, licking his eyebrows”.
 
A man goes to the doctors feeling unwell.

The doctor checks him over and tells him " Sorry I have some bad news to tell you, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure, so just enjoy your final precious moments on Earth"

So he trudges home to his wife to break the news

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35

Then with the same card he gets a line and wins £300

Then he gets a full house and wins £1000

Then the national game comes up and he wins that scooping £38,000

The bingo caller calls him up on stage and says "Son, l've been here 20 years, and l've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, a full house and the National ..you must be the luckiest man on Earth "

"Lucky " he screamed " Lucky, I'll let you know that I have yellow 24 "

"Blow me" says the bingo caller, " You've won the raffle as well "
 
Wife and boyfriend are in bed, in a hotel room, when the wife hears her husband’s voice outside the door. She yells, “Grab your stuff and jump out the window”. Boyfriend says, “Jump! we’re on the 13th floor”. She replies, “Now is no time to be superstitious”
 
An atheist was seated next to a old farmer on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The old farmer, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old farmers intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the farmer replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know ****?”...
 
A woman had terrible luck in the dating scene and was just about ready to give up when her friend said “Just put exactly what you want on your profile. There is bound to be one man who fits it!”

So she writes in her profile "Wanted: “Man who doesn't run around on a woman, man who doesnt drink or smoke, and man who is a great lover.”

Months go by and she forgets all about it until her doorbell rings.

She opens the door and lying on the mat is an armless and legless man.

She says “What are you here for?”

He says “Your ad”

She say “What makes you qualified?”

He says “I don't have legs, so I can’t run around on you, I don't have arms, so I can’t smoke or drink”

She says “So what makes you a great lover?”

He says “How do you think I rang the doorbell?”
 
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