Brian Marwood
Well-known member
Just asked the wife if she’s ever had 5 Guys, she said yes but she was very drunk and regretted it, I then remembered she’s been vegan since a teen.
Dad Jokes - all welcome!
- Thread starter FatCat
- Start date
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Just asked the wife if she’d ever had 7 up, but she said she doesn’t like fizzy drinks.
red_harrington
Well-known member
MY wife was complaining that I never bought her flowers
I told her I never knew she was selling them
I told her I never knew she was selling them
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NorthumberlandBoro
Well-known member
The other night my wife said 'how dare you break wind before me', I replied ' I didn't realise it was your turn '.
Laughing
Well-known member
I like that. Genuinely made me smile.
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
I was in Tesco and I saw an old woman with some bits of food in her basket, she was crying because she realised she couldn’t afford it all. So I did the decent thing and helped her put it all back
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Does anyone know how Liz Truss’s first day at Microsoft is going?
goalscrounger
Moderator
Took me a second
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
proper whoosh for me 
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
My mate said he was thinking of buying a labrador
I said bügger that have you seen how many of the owners go blind
I said bügger that have you seen how many of the owners go blind
Juninhoburger
Well-known member
Saw Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago and asked him if I could buy him a pint.
"No thanks" he said, "I've got a half ear"
"No thanks" he said, "I've got a half ear"
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
Yesterday I bought a map of the world, I stuck it on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I said ‘here throw this at the map and wherever it lands I’ll take you on holiday’
So we’re spending three weeks behind the couch
So we’re spending three weeks behind the couch
Ingleby_Flash
Well-known member
I’ve been in bed for twenty minutes and I’ve just remembered I only came upstairs for a pen.
Millbrook
Well-known member
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Millbrook
Well-known member
Guy got marooned on a desert island after a ship wreck. He did his best to make the place habitable, he built a shelter, made some nets to catch fish which he'd cook over an open fire and so on. Not ideal but livable.
By and by a woman got washed up on the island. He introduces himself, shows her everything he's done and invites her to share his shelter and his dinner. She's well impressed. He says sure but as a man there's some things I still miss, you know a man has his needs. Woman says I totally understand, as you've done all this work and we'll be here for a while I can help you with that. We can even start now if you like.
Guy says that would be amazing, you'd really do that for me? She says yes of course, as a woman it's the least I can do.
Guy says but I still don't see how you'll get the football scores out here.
By and by a woman got washed up on the island. He introduces himself, shows her everything he's done and invites her to share his shelter and his dinner. She's well impressed. He says sure but as a man there's some things I still miss, you know a man has his needs. Woman says I totally understand, as you've done all this work and we'll be here for a while I can help you with that. We can even start now if you like.
Guy says that would be amazing, you'd really do that for me? She says yes of course, as a woman it's the least I can do.
Guy says but I still don't see how you'll get the football scores out here.