Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Boro supporter to Sunderland supporter - "What are your hopes for next season?"

Sunderland Supporter - "We just want to win our first game. What are your hopes for Boro?"

Boro supporter- "We want to win the Championship by 15 clear points, win the FA Cup and League Cup, go up into the Premier League and win it at the first attempt and have a really good go at the Champions League"

Sunderland supporter - "That's a bit unrealistic isn't it?"

Boro supporter - "Well you started it"
 
My mate decided to go to a fancy dress party as Adam, so ordered a fig leaf from an agency. When it arrived, it wasn’t suitable, so he sent it back with a covering letter:

Dear Sirs,
The enclosed doesn’t cover my requirements. Please send a larger model.
Yours etc.

By return post, he received a larger fig leaf. This also wasn’t suitable, so he sent it back with a covering letter as before.
This happened several times until he received their XXXXXXL model. Sadly he had to return it with the same covering letter.
Dear Sirs,

The enclosed doesn’t cover my requirements. Please send a larger model.
Yours etc.

By return of post he didn’t receive a fig leaf. Instead, he got this letter:

Dear Customer,
I’m very sorry to tell you that you have had the largest model possible; we even had to have it specially made. We have no more material left.
May we suggest you stick your requirements in your ear and go as a petrol pump?
Your etc.
 
I was having a conversation with my mate the other day about scones. I asked him what his favourite type are.

He couldn't understand it when I said mine are current scones as I didn't want any which were out of date.
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" !!
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???

#jayceeveepee
 
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