Dad Jokes - all welcome!

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that
she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum
of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
A guy sees an ad in the paper about someone selling a talking dog for £20 so he shows up at the advertised address and knocks on the door.

The owner of the dog opens the door and the guy answering the ad says, "So, I hear you have a talking dog you're selling for £20?"The owner says, "Yep." The other guy says, "Can I see him?" The owner says, "Sure, follow me."

They go through the living room, up the stairs, and into a bedroom where a dog, in a bath robe, is lying on the bed, reading a paper, and watching Sky News.

The dog looks up and says, "Hi."The guy says, "Holy sh#t! You're a talking dog!" The dog says, "Yeah, I guess."The guy says, "Well . . . why are you just lying there in bed?"The dog says, "Well, I started out life teaching other dogs how to be seeing-eye dogs for the blind which was rewarding but I needed different challenges so I trained to be a bomb sniffer and worked for MI5 for quite a while. Wasn't much of a lateral career shift to work in the drugs squad so I helped the police sniff out drugs as well. Found out I was a pretty good at tracking things in general so I got into hunting with some guy I worked with and he eventually entered me into some competitions and I just kept winning so I spent 3 years on tour. That, of course, lead to my 2 years on the breeding farm - which was pretty cool but then there was that whole 9/11 thing and I was asked to go to America and I spent a lot of time retrieving bodies from the Twin Towers.

At that point I figured as long as I was in New York, I might as well help out so I continued to work in vice sniffing out drugs up until about a month ago. I don't know what happened but I just needed some time off. You know? Just kind of reflect on things, figure out what I want to do next, that kind of stuff, you know what I'm saying?"

The guy says, "Uh, sure. I mean, Wow! That's amazing."

The owner and the guy leave the room and the guy says, "Why in the world are you selling that dog?" The owner says, "'Cause he's a big fkin liar!"
An old Yorkshireman is lying in his bed dying. With a weak voice he asks:
Is my wife here?
Yes, I am here
Are my children here?
Yes, all your children are here
Are my grandchildren here?
Yes, all your grandchildren are here
Then why is the kitchen light still on
Frank always looked on the bright side.

He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"

"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a priest baptising people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the priest. The priest turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts "Yes, I am!"

So the priest grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The priest, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the priest is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again... but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The priest again asks the drunk "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the priest, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
An elderly man goes to the doctor.

He has some issues including his hearing so his wife accompanies him.

The doctor tells him that he's going to need to run some tests. He tells the elderly man that he's going to need 3 things from him…” a sample of his urine, a sample of his stool and a sample of his semen.”

The elderly man is having trouble hearing and understanding him.

He looks confusingly to his wife,.and she yells at her husband, “ Just give him your underwear!”
I went to a strip club and on the door I was told it was £10 entry and £15 for a meal.

I was quite hungry so paid the £15.

"Here's your ticket" said the doorman. He then gestures to a 6ft tall hairy bloke dressed in tight black leather who'd appeared behind him. "And here's Emile".
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.