Dad Jokes - all welcome!

Lefty

Well-known member
“I’m making a list of all the people who deserve recognition this year and it’s going very well”

“Honour roll?”

“Yes so don’t disturb me”
 

Millbrook

Well-known member
A little kid says to his dad… “Hey dad, what's politics?!"

“Well son, think of it this way. I make all the money so let's call me capitalism.

Your mum takes care of all the money so let's call her the government.

You are the people.

Your little brother is the future and the nanny is the working class.

Just go away son and think about this.”

They go to bed…

The kid wakes up in the middle of the night because he hears his baby brother crying.

He goes to his baby brother and can tell he's done a big poo and he isn't going to deal with that!

He goes to his parent's room and his dad isn't there and mum is fast asleep, he can't rouse her.

So he goes to the nanny's room and the doors are locked.

That's curious, so he looks through the peephole and he can see his dad in bed with the nanny.

There's not much he can do about that so he goes back to bed.

The next morning dad says “So… What do you think politics is son?”

“Well, Dad…

while capitalism is screwing the working class,

the government is sound asleep,

the people are ignored,

and the future is in deep ****".
 

festa5

Well-known member
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.

What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

Millbrook

Well-known member
Three people were approaching the gates of heaven, but only one place was left.
There were three people approaching the gates of heaven, but there was only one place left.
The gatekeeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go in.

The first man said:
"Well, imagine this. I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her.
I found her in the bathroom with a towel around her so I knew she wasn't having a shower I searched the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell, God must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack."

That's horrific said the gatekeeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.
"Well, imagine this. I was riding one of those stationary bikes on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I fell down and grabbed someone's window sill. Then some idiot started bashing at my fingers then I fell, but God must have loved me because I lived. Then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me"

He asked the third man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine that. I was naked in a refrigerator..."
 

Carlos Fandango

Well-known member
Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for two independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “That's his window cleaning round."
 
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